


Madness

by crispycas



Category: All Time Low (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Bands, Anxiety Disorder, Bands, Boyfriends, Depression, Drug Use, Gay, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-14
Updated: 2018-09-29
Packaged: 2019-05-06 23:25:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 45,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14658411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crispycas/pseuds/crispycas
Summary: Jack has fallen into a mysterious depression with no probable reasoning or explanation, but one thing is for sure: it's completely taking over his life. After convincing himself he's gone mad, there may be a solution to his problem, but it isn't one he wants to accept. Maybe loving someone is all he ever really needed to feel complete. Of course, not everyone is who they appear to be.





	1. Lately I've Been Feeling Tired of Everyone I Know

**Author's Note:**

> this story has been discontinued!! read the last chapter "Notice" for more info.
> 
> THIS STORY IS NOT MEANT TO ROMANTICIZE ANY KIND OF MENTAL ILLNESS OR ADDICTION.
> 
> nothing about depression (or any other mental illness) is beautiful or admirable. the same goes for addictions, whatever they may be. if you suspect that you may be struggling with any kind of mental illness, or if you have been for a long time, please seek professional help. if you are suffering from an addiction, please seek professional help.
> 
> also sometimes I forget to write please don't crucify me ok thank you

There was a time when everything was completely normal, and everyone finally had their shit together; no more drunken nights of yelling at the bartender because the drinks weren't being cranked out quite quick enough; no more pretending life didn't completely suck and drain every single tiny, little bit of energy left at the end of the day; no more hopeless fucking loneliness that never seemed to quit; things were so normal. There was a simpler time when Jack really had it all going for him, and not even God himself could strike the fearless man down. It wouldn't have played out so sourly if Jack did literally anything other than buckle down and give up on himself. Of course, that was his choice.

To put it all simply, whenever someone just had to ask, everything was garbage. There wasn't any of that, "I'm fine, you?" bullshit spewing from Jack's mouth anymore. Rock bottom hurt like he never expected, which is why he figured it was called rock bottom instead of something more melancholic. There were more depressing terms he could use, but no one listened and so he just never bothered. 

The only person he ever really saw was Rian, the latter trying his best to just keep away from someone as out there as Jack. Or, he used to be out there; nowadays, it would be a feat if he even decided to go anywhere that wasn't the bar. Rian warned him countless times, "If you come home drunk again, Barakat, you're out", but it was always such an empty threat that Rian forgot to even say it anymore. The only reason he kept Jack around was pity, and that weighing guilt of the thought of what Jack might do if he did ever have to be out there on his own. Rian didn't like to think about it and Jack simply didn't because he couldn't care enough to.

This night felt off though, everything managing to rub Rian the wrong way. He was down in the shared kitchen when Jack tiredly crept out of his room just to grab a soda from the fridge and attempt to rush out before being stopped by his roommate. "Hey, how are you doing today?" Jack could have stabbed Rian if there were any knives close enough to him.

"Fuck off," he mumbled, attempting to squeeze his way out of the room before he became fully bothered by Rian. Only in his wildest dreams would he have actually made it out of the room without an unwanted conversation. "What the hell do you want, Rian?" he questioned with an obvious lack of patience. "We've been over this dumb-assery before: just because we live together doesn't mean we have to be friends."

Rian stopped and stared intently at Jack. Rian thought about how much of an ass Jack really could be before awkwardly replying. "I'd prefer if you don't go out tonight." Jack just gawked at the man standing across from him. He almost felt like laughing. Almost. Mostly he just wanted to deck Rian and leave anyway, but he settled for just rolling his eyes.

"Allow me to reiterate: Fuck off."

With that, Jack pushed past his clearly annoyed roommate and back up the stairs where he could be alone and do something productive, like masturbate or whatever else popped into his mind. Not that he thought about much. His mind was comparative to an old television where 99 percent of the channels are just static, and the ones that do come in turn to static before long. He had a coherent thought about not going out tonight, not because Rian kindly told him not to, but because he wasn't sure if mustering up the effort was really worth anything. With a deep sigh he fell onto his poor excuse of a bed (including a beaten down mattress that was well over eight years old, some sheets that have been stained with God-knows-what in the past, and a singular pillow), and just laid back for a second.

There weren't many options for entertainment, hence why he only stayed in the house until it drove him mad, which was a surprisingly long time. There was one strange day that he went to the grocery store with Rian, an odd experience for the both of them, but ultimately he decided he would never dabble into regular living ever again. Rian didn't fully agree, but he did agree that Jack shouldn't ever come back to the damned place. Maybe he should go somewhere, not the bar, not the store, just somewhere.

Jack quickly sat back up and looked around, not sure what he was searching for. Maybe he would be pleasantly surprised and find a wad of cash or something, a highly unlikely but highly desirable experience. Once he gave a thorough enough scan of the room to conclude that there was in fact not a money prize to be found, he slid back out of the bed and got himself dressed well enough to not be mistaken for a homeless citizen. Before things got so shitty, he would have sat and stared in the mirror for hours just thinking about how handsome he was, and how anyone would be lucky to have him. When he looked in the mirror these days, he thought about trolls and then immediately regretted ever glancing at his reflection.

He couldn't locate his wallet on his dresser, its usual home, but he shrugged it off, figuring it was probably in a pair of unwashed jeans thrown carelessly in the closet somewhere. A credit card, hopefully his (not that he cared if it wasn't), was found underneath one of the magazines littering the dresser, and he stuffed it into his pocket without a second thought. Finding it caused him to examine one of the magazines, ultimately deeming them uninteresting. He thought about how much they sucked and how the only explanation for him being in possession of them was that he stole those from Rian just to steal something from him.

He was on his way shortly after that, thankful that his obnoxious roommate didn't stop him this time around. He didn't care where Rian was or whatever the hell he was doing, if he wasn't stopping Jack from doing his business then Jack couldn't bother to care.

The outside air was rather warm and felt pleasant in Jack's lungs. He didn't spend much time outdoors, as the sun usually felt poisonous to even think about, but this day was different. If he weren't such a pessimist as of late, he may have even found a way to enjoy this "lovely" afternoon. Just thinking about sitting back and genuinely enjoying something was almost funny enough to earn a chuckle from Jack himself.

He began walking. There weren't very many other people out, which was reasonable since the apartment he shared with Rian was in a rather small neighborhood. It was one of those simple places where everyone knows everyone and all their kids are friends. Jack found it rather creepy, but when he had first decided to move out, he had no plans. He couldn't clearly remember the entire process anymore, but he was pretty sure he found Rian on a website like Craigslist, who offered to let him move into the rented apartment and split bills and rent. At that time, Jack was optimistic enough to throw nearly everything he had out the window and completely restart with Rian. It was a dumb idea, but it worked for a while there.

The next place over was a bit bigger, more like a city. It wasn't too entirely far, most people considering the two areas to just be one collective city, but those who really cared about being politically correct were sure to not make that rookie mistake. Jack found himself walking in the direction of that place where a few of his more distant friends lived. He used to be much closer with them, spending almost every hour of every day in their presence at one point. He couldn't clearly remember the last time he saw one of them nowadays. They were probably too busy for him anyway, working the nine to five and watching football during football season, he thought.

He decided to take a chance and walk his way over to one of the closer one's houses anyway. Uninvited and unexpected, one of the absolute worst ways to show up at someone's front door. It was rare for Jack to think about things like that, though. Especially back when he thought he ruled the world or something. At this point, he and Rian both couldn't tell if that was much worse than the wreck he is now. Rian had saw him at both his highest and lowest, yet the two knew next to nothing about each other.

It took around an hour for Jack to make it to his friend's home, hoping that they weren't off somewhere else. The sun had set and the air cooled down a fair bit, but Jack almost didn't notice. He was occupied with thinking about what to say once he reached his destination. What do you say to someone you've avoided and isolated yourself from after being close with for years? This question haunted Jack the entire walk there, and he was surprised to make it this far without being ran over yet. Even more surprising was how he remembered the directions to the house, but he wasn't thinking about that. With a shaking hand he rang the doorbell, stepping back and patiently waiting for a response.

A few seconds passed before a familiar face greeted him at the door, pulling him in for a tight hug that may have caused Jack some internal damage.  Once let go, he let out a quiet greeting in return, followed by him accepting the invitation inside. The house was different than Jack remembered, everything felt so welcoming and warm, the opposite of what he was used to in the apartment he inhabited with Rian. It appeared as though furniture had be rearranged, and there was a new flat screen TV hung upon one of the walls.

"The place looks nice, Zack," Jack said faintly, offering a tiny smile when his friend looked his way.

"You lose contact with me for months and the first thing you do when you see me again is complement my house?" Zack questioned humorously. "You're weird." Jack gave a small shrug in response. "How have ya been?"

There was a long and, in Jack's personal opinion, boring session of catching up that he wished would have ended sooner. It consisted mostly of Zack talking about himself and his accomplishments since the last time they had seen each other and Jack nodding along with nothing much to say. Zack didn't seem to notice the lack of "conversation", which Jack was beyond thankful for.  He wasn't as talkative as he used to be, plus he really just didn't have anything to add. Not a whole lot had happened in his life since the two last spoke (besides continuous mental breakdowns, but that wasn't a very fun conversational topic).

In the midst of telling yet another story, Zack turned to a clock on the wall and interrupted himself to ask if Jack was driving himself home. He shook his head in reply. "I walked."

"Jeez, that's kinda far to walk. At least five miles, I'd say." Zack paused to calculate the distance in his head. Jack sat in awkward silence and took a sip of the water he had been given, randomly remembering that soda he retrieved from the fridge and never drank earlier. "Yeah, five miles."

"It's not that bad," Jack said quietly.

"Well, I'll drive you back whenever you're ready." Jack nodded. As Zack continued on with his story, he zoned out a little, staring out one of the large windows. The backyard was nice and cleaned up, but oddly vacant. The only thing separating this house and the neighbor's was a line of small trees, he noticed. He wondered what it would be like to actually talk to his neighbors that he knew nothing about. Well, not nothing -- he knew they had a kid, but that was the extent of his knowledge. This lead him to wonder what it would be like to have kids, which was ultimately depressing to think about. All they'll do is grow up and die. The second he started thinking more intently about death, which was when Zack noticed his mental absence. 

A few moments later, they piled into Zack's beaten up truck and then Jack was home. Rian stared as Jack went straight from the truck, to the stairs, and up the stairs to his room. Rian had never met Zack, but he almost felt inclined to thank him for taking Jack off his hands for a couple hours. Instead, Rian gave a small smile to the stranger as they drove back off into the night.


	2. Time Changes Everything

Jack hadn't planned on even getting up at all today, but waking up sprawled out on the floor was inconvenient enough to make him move to his bed. His entire spine ached, as well as his head, and all he wanted was to slip back into a sleeping state, but it seemed as though no matter what he wanted nowadays, he didn't get any of it. He decided on just staring at the ceiling for a while, the only thing he had any energy for at the moment. When he finally pulled his eyes away, they were burning and dry, resulting in him feverishly blinking to try and cancel the pain.

Minutes later he sat up and contemplated walking to the store and buying some sleeping pills to knock him out for a few hours. He remembered that after reconnecting with Zack a few days ago, he had gotten an instant message from someone else who he had been close with at one point, but he hadn't replied to them just yet. He dug his cell phone out of the pants he hadn't bothered changing out of the night before and turned it on, nearly being blinded by the screen in his dark room. He wondered if he should start opening the blinds again, or replace the light bulb in his lamp, ultimately deciding against it; he liked his room dark.

Once the phone finally turned on, it simply displayed a message that the charge was nearly depleted, and Jack let out a deep sigh. He kept a phone charger somewhere, which required digging around in that pile of clothes stashed in his closet until he located the damn thing. He stuck into the nearest outlet and plugged it into his phone in long enough to read the message.

He had been invited out to eat, but he ignored it so long ago that the offer was clearly no longer on the table.

If he had read a message like this before he stopped caring about what others thought about him or his lifestyle, he would have been crushed to have missed the opportunity. Now, he was glad he skipped out. He sent back a message informing the sender that his phone was dead and he never got the message, which was close enough to the truth for him to not give it much of a thought. He checked the time and realized he had under an hour to get ready for work before his carpool would show up expecting him. How he kept his job this long was a mystery, especially to Rian, but Jack was thankful that he had some form of income. What didn't go to bills and rent was typically spent getting himself drunk, but he hadn't felt like going to the bar the last few nights so he was saving a bit.

He quickly showered and dressed himself properly, something he only did for his job, then rushed downstairs to rummage around in the fridge and find something that didn't take much effort to eat. Jack concluded that Rian had already left, mostly judging by the fact that Rian's car wasn't in the driveway. Before Jack had turned so sour, he used to ride with Rian whose workplace wasn't much farther down the road. Jack earned much less, however, minimum wage at most. He used to regret not pursuing a higher education or at least getting better grades in high school, but it wasn't something he cared a lot about anymore.

Shortly after he ate and sat around doing nothing but staring at walls, a car honked outside, signifying that his ride was here. Reluctantly, he locked the doors and prepared himself for another agonizing day.

• • • 

Another instant message that Jack planned on ignoring was sent to his phone. He was almost curious enough to read it and see what other human beings were doing with their more important lives. Almost. Then another notification appeared, followed by another. Jack thought about just turning the phone back off, but his curiosity got the better of him the third message around, and he finally opened them. It was the same person who had attempted to reach him the other day, inviting him to the same thing as before. He didn't particularly want to go out, but he also didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

He sighed and agreed to go, as long as he got a ride there and back. It was one thing to walk over to Zack's only to zone out nearly the entire time, but it was another to be brought out into public with someone who would undoubtedly notice if he wasn't paying attention. Zack had always been a little bit of an...airhead, not that Jack would ever say that to his face. But even when Jack was satisfied with life and wasn't always so tired, he thought about the way Zack had to think a little bit harder about things than most and had to be told multiple times how to do a simple task correctly. Jack never thought of him as stupid, just an airhead.

He checked the messages again and got a time when he would be picked up. He had ten minutes to mentally prepare for what he could only assume was going to be some form of social torture. Those ten minutes were well (in Jack's opinion) spent pacing in his room and nearly ripping handfuls of hair out. He really, really didn't want to do anything else today but sleep. When he was asleep everything was just so much easier and he could dream about things that seemed so far away. Anything was better than being awake.

The knock on the door announced his friend's arrival, and Jack gave one final sigh, trekking downstairs and opening the door. "Hi, Josh," he said, his voice coming out more strained than he predicted it would. He brought a finger to this throat and cleared it, avoiding Josh's eyes.

"Jack, it's been so long, man," Josh grinned but Jack didn't look up to see it. "Are you ready to head out?" 

After a small nod from Jack, they were off to the restaurant, which Josh revealed had a bar once the painful small talk began. Jack thought long and hard about the pros and cons of simply getting drunk, hopefully getting Josh drunk with him so it wouldn't be so awkward, until he remembered that someone had to get them both home. But the pros and cons of Jack getting himself hammered still stood as they had before, and this far into his pondering, the pros were definitely winning. Besides, he could drink around Josh without judgement; they used to get shitfaced together all the time.

Ultimately, he decided that drinking was his best option, here. He didn't know how else to deal with the stress this whole "adventure" was bringing him. Drinking was an easy solution, sure, but that's how he liked things. If he was lucky enough, he could forget the entire experience tomorrow and continue on like he never replied to that god damn message. He already wanted to cause himself harm just for replying the way he did; he could have blown Josh off but he didn't, and the regret didn't set in until he had to face the other man. Josh was too lighthearted to deal with whatever it was Jack was struggling with.

Not that he had told anyone how lethargic and melancholic he had been feeling as of late. Rian only ever saw his spiteful side, which lead him to believe that Jack was simply turning into an asshole. The self destructive behavior should have given it away, but Rian didn't tend to think a whole lot about it. If he realized what Jack was dealing with, maybe there was something he could do to help, but the way Jack treated him just led them to ignore each other altogether. Unless there was some kind of necessary contact, they kept to themselves. Occasionally, Rian brought home some girl, but that was the only other person who ever came into the apartment besides the two residents.

As they pulled into the parking lot, Jack began considering lying to Josh and putting on a front pretending to be sick. He figured he could probably get home without feeling too bad about it in the end, and it probably wouldn't bother Josh too much. However, it felt as though the alcohol was calling to him, and thus he sucked it up and walked into the building with Josh.

It was a typical steakhouse-esque restaurant where steak was the main food option, but there were other kinds of meats and vegetarian options for that one special vegetarian that got dragged there against their will. Josh even made reservations, which came close to making Jack uncomfortable, but it was probably because of the overflowing line that nearly had people waiting outside to get a table. "Franceschi," Josh informed the server, who smiled and led them to a table (thankfully) in the far back of the restaurant. Josh turned around and whispered to Jack, "Sorry, it was the only table available for reservation."

"I don't mind."

On the way to the table, Jack had spotted the bar and had to hold himself back from sighing with relief. He didn't want to let Josh in on his plan, he'd rather pretend to lose track of drinks until he eventually did begin to lose track. Josh wouldn't be able to stop him either -- he was too much of a softie to physically hold someone back from doing what they want. Jack did some thorough thinking in the car, and he wasn't letting it go to waste. That much brain power shouldn't be wasted.

As if the first round of small talk that took place in the car wasn't agonizing enough, Josh started it back up with one of the only questions Jack absolutely hated being asked as they both took their seats. "So, how have you been?" They looked at each other for a few seconds as Jack held his tongue and stopped himself from revealing everything that he had been feeling for the longest time now. He would have said everything then and there, but there was this voice in his head that held him back from doing so. The voice reminded him that it was all in his head, and nobody would ever help him through some dumb spout of sadness.

"Well," he lied, "and you?" Lying almost felt good, but he still hated that he couldn't force himself to be honest with Josh. They had known each other since high school, but he just couldn't. He really wanted a drink right about then.

"Same as always, I guess," Josh said with a chuckle. The server came back around with a couple menus, placing their drink orders and rushing back off. "What have you been up to all this time? You weren't talking to anyone, man. I was getting kinda worried for you until Zack told me about you guys hanging out." Jack figured that was why Josh had texted him the first time. He shrugged.

"Busy with work, I guess."

Before anything else could be said, he picked up his menu and buried his face in it, hardly even looking at the options displayed for him to choose from. He looked at the pictures, hardly able to read the text through his blurring vision. He hadn't noticed he was shaking until that moment, physically willing himself to stop by taking a couple deep breaths. He had no desire to eat anything served here or anywhere else, for that matter. His better judgement reminded him that he had to eat something or Josh would get offended, but he would spend as much time reading that menu down to every last calorie, as long as it kept the conversation from progressing.

Once the waiter came back around, he took their orders and was picked up their menus, leaving Jack with no way to avoid conversation this time around. "How's Rian doing?" Josh questioned, proceeding to take a sip from one of the drinks the waiter brought.

"Who?"

"Rian...your roommate."

"Oh. He's good." That may have also been a lie, Jack actually didn't know how Rian was doing. Josh just assumed that the two roommates still spoke like normal people who live together do, but Rian stopped trying to generate conversations with Jack.

The rest of the wait for their food was uncomfortably silent, but it seemed as though every time Josh tried to strike conversation Jack had nothing much to say, which is exactly how the latter wanted it to be. Of course, this was on a Friday night, and the restaurant was packed, making it an awfully long time to sit without speaking. Especially to Josh, who contemplated yelling at Jack until something more than just one sentence replies came from his friend.

After Jack took a few bites of the undeniably delicious food, he stopped and looked up at Josh. "Could you go for a drink? The waiter said you don't have to be sitting at the bar to have drinks brought to you." That was the most Jack had spoken to someone in months, and it was practically a death wish.

Josh was naive enough to nod along, happy that Jack was actually speaking. He figured Jack was just on edge, and maybe a drink or two would help loosen him up. "Sure," he replied before waving the server down.

It was a mistake. Josh realized this after Jack had slammed back enough shots and full glasses to get himself on the verge of being drunk, which was a step before being shitfaced, his goal. Josh grabbed his arm and gave a nervous laugh. "Jack, I think you should cut back a little bit. We're at a restaurant, not the kind of place you want to get drunk at." Jack intently looked at him, squinting for extra precision, before shaking his head with a frown.

"You won't do shit," Jack spat. "You're too much of a pussy." Josh was frozen, unable to formulate an argument convincing enough to stop Jack.

"Seriously, I'll bring you home right now if you want. This isn't the time or the place, man." He was trying to be calm, but he didn't know what Jack was going to. It seemed as though since the last time they spoke, Jack went from being a happy drunk to an angry drunk, and Josh didn't know how to deal with the latter.

Jack started laughing, and then he couldn't stop. He felt everything he had been feeling before, only ten times worse, and all he could do was laugh. He wanted everything to end. He wanted to stop everything in its tracks and drop dead. Josh watched, as did others, as Jack was quickly gaining other peoples' attention. It was only a matter a time before restaurant staff did something about the man sitting across from him. "Fuck you," Jack said, grabbing his wallet and throwing it at Josh's chest. "Split the fucking bill. Or take my card, I don't fucking care." Josh stared with wide eyes. "Nothing stays the same forever."

With that, he stumbled out of the place, nobody bothering to follow him.


	3. New Friends

Jack stood outside, alone, the way he truly wanted to be. He didn't want to be here, he never wanted to leave home. His head was pounding and it was becoming more difficult for him to perceive anything with all of the bright headlights shining in his eyes. Josh jogged up behind him after a moment, refusing to leave the restaurant without paying for the food and drinks, as well as tipping the server. He grabbed Jack's arm, but the contact was immediately broken by the latter. "Get off of me, Josh!" Jack yelled, shoving him back. 

"What the hell is your problem?! What the hell is wrong with you?!" If Jack weren't intoxicated, he may have felt something when hearing Josh yell questions like those, anger or hurt; but maybe not, since he didn't feel a whole lot anymore. There was a brief silence where they both just breathed angrily, Jack attempting to form a complete sentence in his head a few times but continuing to fail. Josh simply wanted an answer, preferably an answer to both of his questions, but even just one would clear some things up.

"What's the hell is your problem?!" Jack shouted in reply after a moment. "You fucking take me out just to bombard me with questions and act like we're still friends. Are you fucking retarded?! I cut ties with everyone long enough ago that you shouldn't have even bothered fucking inviting me out!" Josh couldn't do anything but just stare at the man standing across from him. How was he in the wrong for trying to do something kind? It wasn't as though there was some reason he brought Jack out other than to be a decent friend. "Can't you take a fucking hint?! Fuck you!"

"What the hell did I do, Jack? I've been there for you for fucking years!" Josh could feel the emotion building up inside of him, but the two were already creating enough of a scene and he refused to cry in front of that many people. Yet, this whole situation stung like hell for him. He did everything for Jack, even when he was a self-centered bag of garbage to Josh, Josh was there. Sure, he didn't expect some high school friendship between two guys to last forever, but he also didn't expect for it to end in it what seemed to be the worst possible way. "You were an asshole to me and I still stuck around for you!" he added.

Jack laughed, followed by another outburst. "I was never an asshole!" Not a true statement, but he wasn't intentionally lying. He was simply too intoxicated to remember a time when everything didn't feel like hell on earth, and there was no alcoholism or barely getting out of bed in the morning. "I didn't want to fucking come out here tonight, but here I am!"

"Yeah, what a load of good it did me to bring you here!" Josh replied, finally lowering his voice slightly. He didn't want everything to be so public, even if it was too late to change what the surrounding crowd had already heard. "You get drunk and go ballistic. I'm fucking done with you, Jack."

"Fine! Screw you!"

It was settled when Jack turned his back on Josh, who stood in place and took a few deep breaths. The internal conflict of apologizing and giving Jack a ride home versus letting this friendship come to a close and have Jack drunkenly stumble home began haunting him, and he really didn't have an interest in either option. Once Jack began walking away, however, his mind was made up. He turned around and walked to his car, speeding past Jack through the parking lot, ignoring the middle finger tossed his way.

Jack's journey home began from that point. He was finally thankful for the creepy small town of close-knit people where the steakhouse was close to his apartment. He had no other option since he left his cell phone at the apartment, not that he had anyone to call to pick him up besides Zack (another person he was considering cutting ties with at this point), and he wasn't prepared to borrow a stranger's phone after publicly arguing with someone while clearly under the influence of alcohol. His sense of direction was still intact as he followed landmarks that led him home.

It may have been the eternal feeling of numbness that made the walk feel like it was lasting forever, but it may have also been the distance. Jack loathed every second, silently cursing himself for accepting the offer the entire trek back. If he just stopped feeling emotions entirely, everything would be ten times easier for him, which led him to begin thinking of easy ways to numb emotion. Alcohol was only good to an extent, but it sometimes magnified feelings and he didn't know how much longer he could deal with all of the existential guilt. However, it wasn't just the heavy weight of guilt, it was also the unreasonable hatred for everyone and everything that he wanted nothing more than to silence. He was so fed up with hearing over and over again that isolating himself was his only option, especially since it was all in his head.

As he reached the front door, he considered finding a way to pop all of Rian's tires just to spite him, the thought being so momentary that within seconds he completely forgot about it altogether. He hated Rian the most, and it was odd because he had no reasoning for it. It wasn't as though Rian tormented him or made living with him difficult, in fact Rian was a relatively kind person to Jack despite disliking being under the same roof as him. Without Jack ever having conscious thought about it, the most likely reason was that Rian never noticed how bad Jack was getting; or how Jack kept falling farther and farther down without Rian even giving him a second glance. It made sense for Jack to subconsciously feel this way, but he had never truly considered it.

Because, in Jack's mind, he was always just overreacting. So what if he drank almost every night of the week and locked himself away, ignoring everything surrounding him as if his entire life was simply about him and nothing else? He was an adult and could do as he pleased, he wasn't partaking in anything illegal. Besides, he figured he would snap out of this eventually. The way he saw it, he was just in a rough patch that would eventually pass, and afterwards he would continue on living as if it all never even happened. Now that he had severed his only real friendships (deciding on ignoring Zack and practically everyone else for the rest of his living days while walking), he would have to make new ones when everything blew over. Luckily, he used to be social and he planned on going straight back to the person he used to be. His only resolution was to find new friends.

Jack fiddled around with the doorknob for a few seconds, figuring out that it was clearly locked and following that with an angry sigh. He dug around in all of his pockets, panicking when he felt nothing in any of them -- he must've lost his wallet, and he left his keys inside the apartment. He then remembered throwing the wallet at Josh back at the restaurant and proceeded to slam the palm of his hand directly into his forehead. Why would he do something so stupid? He wasn't benefiting anyone, especially not himself. He began pounding on the door with both of his fists, hoping he could wake Rian up to come let him in.

Seconds later, Rian nearly ripped the door off its hinges opening it, as if he already knew he was going to be faced with his least favorite (and only) roommate. "What the hell are you doing, Jack?" he asked angrily, blocking the doorway to prevent Jack from running inside and never explaining himself. "You live here, you don't need to knock. Especially not at two in the God forsaken morning."

Jack never realized it was so late. "I forgot my key, lay off."

A woman that Jack briefly recognized came up behind Rian and quietly asked what was happening. Seeing Jack should have been enough of an explanation, but Rian never talked any bad about Jack to anyone. As much as Rian disliked him, he knew Jack before all of this, and that somewhere deep inside of Jack there was some good. She knew who he was, but she was wondering the same thing as Rian. "Jack forgot his key," Rian explained in a sarcastic tone. 

"Look, I've had a shit enough night, I don't need this. Just let me in, Rian." For once, there was something in Jack's voice, or maybe lack thereof. He sounded almost emotionless, like the night had managed to suck every last bit of energy he had left. Rian noticed this, and to him it almost felt like that wasn't even Jack talking. He stepped aside to let Jack in, the latter immediately entering the apartment with haste. He turned to make a beeline for the stairwell when Rian gripped his arm and hold him back for a second. 

Normally, Jack would have a rude comment to spit out and make Rian leave him be, but this time around he didn't feel like speaking at all. Everything he wanted to say he had already gotten out earlier that night. Rian did speak though, in a rather hushed tone. "If you need to talk about something, don't hesitate to tell me. Seriously." It wasn't something he never planned on saying to Jack, or anyone really, but there was something so off about Jack that night, and to say it was worrying Rian was an understatement. Jack briefly glanced at him before calmly turning away and continuing his walk upstairs, leaving the other two alone.

"I'm worried about him, Cass," Rian said quietly. Jack faintly heard what was being said and willed himself to stop once he was far enough up the stairs to be obscured by a wall. There were a few whispers before another coherent sentence came up. "I think he needs help."

This was enough to force Jack up the last few stairs and quietly push his door shut behind him. Rian's last few words replayed over and over again in his mind as he prepared himself for bed, although he doubted he was going to sleep much throughout the remainder of the night. When he finally sat down for a moment to think, he had just one clear thing in his mind: Rian was wrong.  Rian was so, so wrong that it almost infuriated Jack; he wanted to punch a wall or just find a way to wipe his memory of ever staying to hear that God damned statement. What would he need help with? He wasn't struggling. He was alive.

He wracked his brain for a reason behind Rian's words. Rian said he was worried, but Jack couldn't figure out why Rian, of all people, would be worried about him. Jack knew of his roommate's distaste for him and vice versa, meaning there shouldn't be any statements like these. Jack also wondered why Rian would be telling his girlfriend these things; Jack had spoken to her maybe once the entire time he lived in the apartment, and she visited a few times a week. Jack assumed it was usually just to hook up with Rian, but it seemed as though they were genuinely invested in each other. They had to have been if Rian was telling her anything about Jack that wasn't how terrible of a person he had become. 

This all had Jack's head spinning and heart beating faster than when he was in an argument with Josh, when his testosterone was running high. It felt like his chest was going to implode, or maybe that it was going to simply collapse. He wasn't getting enough air down and he couldn't figure out why. Everything hurt and he was unable to focus on anything. His breathing was paced fast enough to match his heartbeat, making every breath he took shallower than the last. The entire time this was happening he only focused on one thing: He didn't need help because help is for the people with real problems. Rian was simply wrong.


	4. I Have A Problem

Jack, as predicted, didn't catch much sleep, despite the alcohol in his system truly weighing him down. It may have been a good thing considering he had to catch Rian and go back to that damned restaurant and retrieve his wallet, but none of those things were desirable. Still, he pulled himself off the bed and cleaned up enough to be publicly presentable before rushing downstairs and knocking on Rian's door. He was sure to be quiet this time simply because everything last night mentally strung him out so badly that the guilt of annoying people only felt like it was going to multiply. Rian was so surprised by this hospitality that he didn't hesitate to accept Jack's request of driving him down to the steakhouse for reasons Jack refused to explain. Rian was also attempting to patch up his relationship with Jack after the escapade the night prior, but for much different reasons.

The drive was short and silent, both of which were much more pleasing than their alternatives. Jack tentatively approached the restaurant, glad that he made it before opening hours. The less people around to see him return after the argument with Josh the better. There was a server inside sweeping that Jack attempted to get the attention of by lightly tapping on the glass door. Through the glass, the server shouted something about the place being closed for a few more hours, and Jack replied by yelling something about it being urgent. The server glanced around, glad that his manager was nowhere to be seen, before opening the door and facing Jack. "Do you have a lost and found?" Jack questioned, avoiding the server's eyes.

He gave a small, raspy laugh. "Sort of. What did you lose?" That small laugh put Jack on edge. The guy probably wasn't taking him seriously, or he may have thought Jack was some loser who was trying to steal someone else's property from the steakhouse. It brought a heavy feeling of anxiety to Jack that he didn't even bother attempting to shake off.

"A wallet," Jack replied quietly, still refusing to make proper eye contact. The server looked him up and down, not entirely sure what angle Jack was playing. Was he genuinely just someone who lost their wallet and somehow didn't realize until the morning, or was he up to no good? Based on Jack's half-assed appearance, the server was going for the latter, but he decided to give Jack the benefit of the doubt despite his rational judgement.

"I'll have to speak with my manager. Follow me." The server held the door open to allow Jack into the building, hoping it wasn't something he would later regret. He led Jack to the desk where customers usually went to speak with someone about reservations, telling him to wait while he spoke with his superior in another room. It wasn't a very long wait, but it was still torturous to Jack. He wanted to just go back home and finally sleep, considering he was already planning on simply skipping work today. Maybe he would go pick up that sleeping medication like he kept contemplating for days. If he didn't lose track of his thoughts so much, he may have been a more collected person with their shit together.

Eventually the server came back around holding what appeared to be Jack's wallet, the latter breathing an obvious sign of relief. "Good news," he reported with a smile, "we have one wallet in stock, ID and personal cards all still intact. Not much cash though." Jack thanked him and held out his hand, prompting the server to plop it down so Jack could be on his not so merry way. "I have to make sure it's yours first, eager beaver."

Jack's annoyance with the human race finally caught back up with him. "You said there's an ID in it, just look at the picture. Anyone with half a brain cell could pick someone out from the ID picture," he said, a lack of patience clear in his voice. The server smirked slightly, obscuring his face with one of his hands to keep Jack from seeing how much entertainment this brought him.

"Let me get your name, just so I can be sure it's not fake." Jack rolled his eyes, then finally rested them on the server to get his first clear look at the man. He almost looked stoned from his half-lidded, brown eyes, but maybe it was just because he was smiling. This annoyed Jack for a singular reason; why was this guy finding so much joy in dragging this out instead of just returning the wallet? 

"Jack."

"Jack what?"

"Jack Barakat." Jack was nearly grinding his teeth together out of clear annoyance by this point, and it only made the server laugh. Jack found him to be, quite honestly, nothing short of a douche. The server began nodding, forcing a contemplative face as if he was actually thinking about something. 

"You're one of the guys who caused that scene here last night, aren't you?" the server questioned through his ever obvious smirk. Jack shook his head. He wanted to be in and out, but it seemed like this guy wanted to drag everything out forever. "Liar. What was that about, anyway?"

"Just give me back my God damn wallet, please." Jack wasn't one to beg, especially not to strangers, but he was on the verge of sinking to his knees and pleading for that wallet just so he could leave now and never see this guy again. "Besides, whatever happened is probably none of your business." He really should have stopped talking when he had the chance.

The server rested his elbow on the podium and cradled his chin in one of his hands. "Oh? I'm just looking out for the well being of my lovely workplace, Jack. Wouldn't want another drunk to come here and argue with someone now, would we?" It was painfully obvious what this man was doing, but all Jack seemed able of doing in return was feeding into what the server was saying. "None of my business though."

"Shut your fucking trap and just give me back my fucking wallet."

"A little feisty, are we?" Jack could have stabbed him. He really could have. "Fine, take it back." The server finally handed Jack his wallet. It was as if peace on earth was finally possible again in Jack's mind.

"Thank you," Jack sarcastically began, taking a small peek at the server's name tag so that he could be sure to report him to the manager, "Alex." Alex simply bowed with a smile before instructing Jack to leave the restaurant before the manager showed up and asked why the exchange was taking so long. Jack contemplated simply waiting for the manager so he could give some choice words about Alex, but instead chose to spare the server (and his own anger) by rushing out as quickly as he could. It was one of those encounters that bothers a person to the point of wanting to scrub their whole body clean of any filth left by the other, something Jack felt all to often.

And although the interaction between the two was the best thing Alex had experienced all week, it only seemed to push Jack farther into the ground. As he left the restaurant, those intrusive thoughts about any and everything negative seemed to plague him once again, and the loudest one seemed to want him to just trip and break his neck. Or maybe throw himself in front of an oncoming bus without a second thought. He had to simply stop walking a few times to screw his head back on straight and think about literally anything else. He thought about the joy Alex seemed to have felt when screwing with him, and it only infuriated him further.

Jack used to be like that, annoying others for the hell of it because it was enjoyable for him and his friends. His friends were gone now, and he didn't want to talk to anyone, let alone annoy them. It was...depressing, but the only thing he could think about as he walked back to the apartment from the steakhouse for a second time in under twenty-four hours. It was almost too much for him to handle, and it was bordering on pushing him into another full blown panic attack. He kept his head down, hoping for a freak accident to strike him down and make everything around him cease to exist, but that was all very unlikely.

When he returned to the apartment, he fulfilled his dream of sleep. Rian and Cassadee (Jack finally learned her name) were both off living their healthy lives where they didn't constantly want to freeze time and just escape from the torture of every day life. They were so young and happy and in love, something that Jack had begun to despise both of them for. He decided to stop hating Rian this morning, but he just didn't think he could bring himself to be happy for someone who was so much better than him. Jack felt like pure shit as he passed out, which only led to worse dreams.

As happy as he was to finally escape the monotonous reality of being conscious, his comatose-esque state almost felt worse. He wouldn't remember half of what occurred in his dreams whenever he awoke, but what he would remember would surely just drive him farther up the wall. It wasn't that the dreams were unpleasant, it was actually the exact opposite: everything was back to normal in his dreams, he wasn't the shit person he had become over the past few months. He was still in contact with the people he used to care so deeply about, and he had even befriended Rian. But as soon as he woke and realized that it was all imaginary, it would surely just make living in the real world even more hellish.

This went on for an entire week.

Jack called into work sick one day, being given the remainder of the week off so that he would be fully-rested and feeling well when he came back in. Those six days were spent almost exclusively in his room where it felt as though he could finally leave everything else and be alone. He hardly touched any food, and the one time he had to leave the house to get the mail only lasted a few seconds. There was still something in him trying to fight this all off, weak as it was, but it was clearly failing. At times it felt like there were two opposing beings fighting each other in his head: one that was poisoning him with whatever the hell this was, and the other trying to make him normal once again.

And of course there was the ever present denial. It was obvious that Jack was suffering, even to an outsider, but nobody was around to see it. He clearly had some problem eating away at him, but the way he continued to push that realization down until it simply disappeared wasn't going to get him anywhere. It was clear to see that Rian was right from the start in saying that Jack needed help. Jack himself heard it and disregarded whatever Rian thought about him. It was beginning to show that this was a terrible idea, and Jack should have listened to someone when he had the chance. Hell, Rian offered to talk with Jack if the latter ever needed it, but he blew it off the second he heard the offer.

At this point, he didn't know what to do. A doctor couldn't help if there was no problem. Within that week and nearly every day prior, he had been self medicating with any alcohol he could get his hands on, and it would honestly be surprising if he didn't have liver problems by now. It had gotten to the point where his life practically revolved around the countless bottles that he hardly ever even bothered to clean out of his room. There were different brands of whiskeys, rums, vodkas, or any other liquors he could get his hands on without Rian's knowledge. This had been going on for far longer than Jack had even remembered, since the very beginning of his down spiral, yet he had never given it much thought.

Not giving it much thought was more than just irresponsible, it was killing him from the inside out. Not once did he want to even give it up; at least he was happy once the buzz began. At some point into the week, he had a hazy thought about finding a way to take his own life, but he had forgotten about it in seconds, and it hadn't come back since then. In fact, Jack didn't want to die, he wanted to live again. He felt like he was living in a husk for the longest time, and he wanted nothing more than to escape and live freely like he used to, when he was ignorant of the effects of depression. He had never considered that maybe the only way to do this was to end everything altogether and leave all this pain behind; as irrational as it seemed, it may not be untrue.


	5. Live/Breathe

Jack had been pulling himself along, dragging even, continuing with day to day life as best he could. Not much had changed for him in a long while after he made an effort to break away from Josh. Rian was unsuspecting of anything out of the ordinary since that one night that he spoke up to Jack, but to him everything seemed as though it had returned to what he began to accept as normal. There hadn't been another night of public embarrassment and locked doors and pissed off roommates. They kept to themselves decently enough that whatever the other was doing was under the radar. For a while, at least.

There was one day when Jack had finally stumbled out of bed and down the stairs to find something, literally anything that wasn't piss, to swallow down some ibuprofen with when he saw something out of the ordinary. As of late, the days where Cassadee came home with Rian after they got off work were becoming rather common, and it didn't take Jack long to realize that were legitimately committed to each other and in a serious, long-running relationship. Or so Jack thought they were committed, as soon as he saw the other rather skimpily dressed woman he dashed back upstairs without his drink and quietly shut the door behind him. If Rian was bringing someone else home, he was probably under the impression that Jack wouldn't hear or see anything about it, or if he did that he would keep quiet and forget about it.

This made Jack irrationally mad, though, and he almost wanted to storm downstairs and beat the ever-loving hell out of his roommate. Rian always presented himself as some perfect saint, and Jack always felt like Rian was looking down on him, but this simply proved everything false. Out of all the things Jack had ever thought since his initial breakdown, everything evil he had never done, he could never think up anything worse than cheating. Sure, there were the obvious things like murder, but if you kill the person you love, they'd never wake up to know what you've done. Cheating is so vile and low, especially for someone like Rian who spent a large majority of his time with Cassadee. Jack didn't know if he wanted to scream or vomit at this information, so he settled for sitting on his floor with his back to the door and resting his face in his hands.

Why was everything so different nowadays?

That's what Jack chose to focus on. If he had never broken down and became so suddenly defeated, would this all have still happened? He kept taking that same question and filling it in with other scenarios; would he still have abandoned Josh and Zack? Would he still be drinking every night? There seemed to be a common theme with every question: the answer seemed to be no. All these things were his fault, and he couldn't believe it had taken him so long to realize this. More self-depreciating thoughts were flooding his mind and he couldn't help but burst into tears. It had felt like an eternity since he cried, considering it had never been something he did often.

He sat there and cried for the longest time, yet it still felt like he could be lower. It had felt like he hadn't been living at all for the longest time now, as if he forgot what that even felt like, but his mentality could be worse off. He only thought about ending everything some of the time, which, in his mind, was far better than constantly thinking about it. He wasn't wrong, but thinking about something like that at all was actually terrible. It was among the many things he chose to ignore. He chose to ignore the definite aftermath of all of his drinking -- something else he was convinced wasn't a problem. He hid it from Rian to avoid judgement, not because he was afraid Rian would act like it was an issue.

This entire situation made him itch for another drink, except all of his bottles were empty, meaning he'd have to visit the store to get more, and he didn't know how he felt about going back downstairs to leave the house. If he didn't have the room on the second story he could have slipped out of a window and ran for it, or he could slip out of the window anyway and risk breaking his neck. That almost sounded like a reasonable option at this point, but his rational thought outweighed his suicidal one. This time, at least. Jack decided the only thing he really could do was hide upstairs for the remainder of the day, which was honestly common for him anyway. It wasn't as though he would raise suspicion, all while he could avoid human interaction. It was a two for one deal that sold him as soon as he thought it up.

Of course, the entire time Jack was up there, he sat hating himself and hating the fact that Rian was downstairs with anyone but his own girlfriend. What a repetitive and awful life Jack seemed to live, where he was constantly craving sleep, where nothing seemed real (or at least he hoped it was a figment of his imagination), where he just felt like a zombie that had been shot in the chest one too many times. Where nothing felt as though it had any purpose in any way. There were times when Jack questioned his existence as well as the existence of those around him, and this was not an exception. At times, it was his go-to for coping with any issues he was having; if nothing was real, there were no consequences to his actions.

Eventually he was able to pass out for the remainder of the day, which was certainly no small feat for any normal person, nor for Jack himself.

• • • 

A couple torturous days passed where Jack continued to keep himself quiet and refused to spill to Rian about what he had seen. He wanted to confront his roommate more than anything, but the idea of being thrown out or something else equally as terrible was stuck in his mind, so there was never anything to be said about it. Rian was apparently just as good at pretending everything was fine, as Cassadee had returned one day -- and Jack sure heard nearly ever minute of her return. He had been keeping a sharp ear to hear if Rian ever came clean to her, but even after it was clear that Rian had no intention of doing so, Jack still heard just about everything. Everything. He broke his only pair of headphones long ago and hadn't bothered to replace them, but he figured since he was all the way upstairs it would eventually be a bit more quiet and he could have some peace. He was wrong.

After the two of them finally went to bed, Jack was up thinking about the last time he himself had partaken in any form of sexual intercourse. It had been some time, at first because he lived with someone (something he occasionally wished Rian cared a little bit more about, especially that night), but now because he had completely lost interest. He never had a long term significant other, which didn't particularly bother him. Dating was never really his scene either, one night stands used to be the only action he ever got. Josh was right about that: Jack really had been an asshole for the longest time. At least when he was a happy asshole, he had a couple people that cared about him, versus the depressed and friendless asshole he was now.

He used to be the type of person to try and get with anyone who gave him a second glance. With standards and morals, of course, he usually was able to get what he wanted. He was a rather attractive man, a little thin for some peoples' taste, but he could usually swing anyone who was also looking for a quick fuck that meant nothing to either of them. Jack looked back on that kind of behavior and hated himself for it. In his new, more matured eyes, what he used to do was no better than cheating. The only part of any of those one night stands he could bring himself to miss was the fact that someone threw everything else away just to be in his presence for one night, regardless of their intentions.

He had fallen asleep that night thinking about actually being with someone, something that had never been an interest, but suddenly had become a desire. 

But this was a completely new day where he had even less motivation to care. Jack wasn't one those "go to bed depressed and wake up with your emotions reset" kind of people; if he went to bed depressed, he was damn sure waking up the same way. He had work that day, and knowing he couldn't skip again, he rose and got himself ready, preparing for his carpool to eventually honk the horn and drive him off into hell. There were a few times that Jack even contemplated reaching over and taking hold of the steering wheel to throw the two of them off course and into a tree (or maybe the ocean if he was lucky).

Clearing himself of such childish thoughts, he spent the next eight hours working only to get home and wish he had somewhere else to be because he was feeling something he hadn't felt since he cut off Josh and Zack (both of which had been sending him messages for days before they finally realized they were being ignored): loneliness. He hadn't spoken to anyone with free will in the longest time, and he almost wanted to force himself to socialize before he went crazy. The other half of him just wanted to continue on this way and pretend he wasn't lonely enough to throw himself at Rian and beg for a conversation, continuing to isolate himself and hide away. He decided to make a compromise with himself and go out to the liquor store, followed by going back to the apartment and drinking alone.

Jack could have rode the public bus or even called a cab, but instead he took his usual route of simply walking all the way to the locally owned liquor store that sat next to the locally owned grocery store. It wasn't the farthest he'd ever gone in one trip, and at least the wind was blowing, making it a rather average walk. By the time he reached the place, he was lucky enough to have not built up a sweat, and he was on his way to browsing the many types of alcohol he could get drunk off of later. He wanted something strong and quick, that way he wouldn't have to deal with this day any longer.

A bell attached to the doorway rang as he entered the building, and he proceeded to pretend not to hear the greeting from the woman working behind the counter as he quickly rushed to the very back of the store. There was some rather nice cheap stuff back there, and Jack wasn't one to waste money unless he was desperate for something -- and this night he really wasn't desperate for anything but some more sleep. He was always so irrationally tired, but he never gave it a second thought and instead just ignored it.

As he was browsing the many options shelved in front of him, he heard someone laughing down at the end of the aisle, and his curious side got the better of him as he turned to look. There was immediate regret as he recognized the man standing there with a phone pressed to his ear, clearly hearing something worth busting a gut over. Jack wasn't quick enough to turn away before the guy saw him, and told the person on the phone to hold for a second. Jack could practically hear his footsteps, and his heart was racing at the thought of actual human interaction. Why didn't he just stay home? "Jack?" the man asked, still sounding joyous from his prior conversation.

"Oh, I didn't see you there, I'll just--" Jack was ready to make a run for it as he felt the man grab his arm and keep him in place. This entire experience had already turned to shit. Jack wanted to scream and break all of the bottles in the room, instead taking a deep breath and looking at the person standing beside him. "Alex."

Alex grinned. "The one and only." The two of them sat in silence as that was all Jack had to offer to the conversation. He did what he could to get this message across by turning back to the liquor on the shelves. "I see we're not letting old habits die hard, huh?" Alex questioned. No reply, but he wasn't one to give up. "I'm actually buying for a friend. He turned twenty-one back in January, but I was out of state."

"You sure did wait quite a while. You weren't out of state last month."

"Ouch." Alex chuckled and looked down to his feet. Jack was compelled to give him the time of day, so compelled, in fact, that he turned back to Alex to actually face him. Alex was still smiling, holding a bottle of champagne in one hand and his cell phone in the other. "So it can look you in the eye without turning you to stone. Fascinating."

"You don't seem to take me very seriously," Jack replied. 

"I'm not a very serious person," Alex admitted with a small shrug. "It gets boring. I'd rather be happy and taken as a joke than depressed and treated like a businessman." That statement nearly made Jack's blood boil. Why was Alex so similar to him before he turned to shit? Why was he corrupt when Alex was normal?

"Must be nice," Jack mumbled, turning back to his liquor. Alex sighed, disappointed that he had lost Jack's attention. There was something about Jack that just captivated him, but he would never admit this. Just like he would never admit how excited he was when he spotted Jack after so long since their first meeting. It was almost obsessive.

"Yeah." More silence. "Are you buying for yourself?" Jack nodded in reply, anything to get the hint across that he was finished with the conversation. "No more public drinking after your little scrape, huh?"

"I guess not." Without much thought, Jack grabbed the first bottle that fully caught his attention and gave one final glance at Alex. He almost looked crushed that he couldn't do anything to keep the conversation going, but Jack had felt bad long enough, and that sympathy was practically gone at this point. "I have to go." He then paid for his intoxicating drink and rushed out of the store without another word.


	6. Sleep

The night terrors began suddenly, and they were, by far, the worst thing Jack had ever had the misfortune of experiencing in his entire life. Sleep was the one thing he had, the one bit of sanity he was gripping on to for dear life, and it had painfully betrayed him. It started when he had taken a nap on a lazy day off from work, something peaceful to help him avoid drinking the remainder of the day away, and he was tortured with haunting images that left him thrashing and screaming, hoping that someone outside would hear him and get him out of this nightmare. It didn't seem to end, but when it finally did, he looked to his phone to check the time and observe that he had only slept for a whopping thirty minutes. That thirty minutes felt longer than his entire life, almost feeling just as real.

There was blood everywhere. There was a weight around his throat preventing him from breathing. There were people out to get him, out to hurt him and take away everyone and everything he had ever loved; the numbers seeming few until he saw it right before his own eyes. For once, he wished Rian was around to save him. He wished he had someone.

When night had rolled around and the sun had sank into the hills, Jack was petrified of sleep. He had never been a fearful person, but he wasn't necessarily a brave person either. This fear, however, completely engulfed him. What he had experienced that morning had left him shaking for literal hours on end, and nearly every time he closed his eyes he just saw it all again. What he saw almost seemed to fade from his memory at times, at least until he saw his eyelids which was always followed by some horrific image.

He saw himself performing unspeakable acts on others, as well as vice versa. He felt as though just dreaming that he was doing these things was enough to send him straight to hell once he passed. At this point, it felt inevitable. God, heaven, Satan, and hell never meant much to him until now, and the thought of hell was also scaring him half to death. It felt like his soul didn't belong anywhere else; it was clearly tainted beyond repair, and these terrors were only further proving this belief. If hell was as real as he was, then surely he was already on the highway to get there. This thought process produced yet another panic attack, the third or fourth one in just that day, and he was left breathing quickly and feeling lightheaded.

Eventually, his tired eyes willed themselves shut, but it was to be predicted that he was plagued with more and more images he couldn't bear to see. Except, there was nothing he could do to free himself, he was trapped without any escape. He didn't make it very far into the night before waking up in what was practically a pool of sweat. His eyes were tired and his body was begging for sleep, but he couldn't bring himself to do it again. Every minute of being awake was worse than the last, but being asleep and in a dream was worse than every minute combined. Yet, somehow, in Jack's terrible, twisted mind: he still wasn't convinced he had a problem. After all, it had only been one night that this had happened, and he had been drinking a bit before hand. Tomorrow when he returned home from work, he simply wouldn't take a nap or drink.

Although the hours were long and boring, the next morning eventually came. Jack completed his every day, pre work tasks and then waited downstairs with a completely energy drained mind. Today was going to be hell, as most days seemed to be, but Jack was finally determined to do something positive for a change: he was going to still these night terrors. That is, if they continued after this day. He was lucky enough to not be faced with paranoia outside of sleeping, but that didn't take away from how deprived he was of sleep. He had been yawning the entire day, forcing himself to stay awake at times. He wasn't used to having so little sleep -- he usually got more than necessary when it was all he wanted to do.

As he arrived home, he resolved to do anything but drink or sleep. Rian was off and Cassadee was working her own job, which meant Jack wasn't alone when he entered the front door. He could hear the television in Rian's bedroom from the entrance of the apartment, catching Jack's attention long enough for him to walk straight through the open door into the room where Rian sat on his bed, calmly watching a sitcom Jack didn't recognize. Of course, Jack only ever watched Rian's television when he was home alone and not under the influence of alcohol.

Rian noticed his tired roommate that had slowly entered the room and gave him a small smile. "You wanna watch?" Jack shook his head. There was something about watching TV with Rian that rubbed him the wrong way. He preferred to do things he enjoyed when he was completely alone, mostly out of the fear of someone thinking his interests were odd. "You sure? It's Full House reruns," Rian said in a singsong voice.

"I'm sure." 

Jack trudged back out of the room and cursed himself for hating being in Rian's presence. Why couldn't he just act like a normal person around his roommate? They had known each other for long enough. Despite all of the internal reasoning, Jack's negative side still persisted and he ended up going upstairs to find something entertaining to occupy himself with. 

Nothing seemed good enough. Everything had begun to bore him just a few weeks ago, and he could feel it completely taking over his life. Was there anything he even enjoyed anymore? Every time he sat down to do just about anything he had enjoyed before, he always felt like he was wasting his time. All of his time felt like wasted time and he didn't know what he was supposed to do. The only idea that popped into his mind that felt even relatively okay was to delete every remnant of his old life from his phone, or maybe even just throw the damn thing out the window.

He dug his cellphone out from his bed sheets somewhere and turned it on. He had never bothered to change his lock screen from a picture of him with Zack, and seeing it gave him a pang in his heart, something completely unexpected. He hadn't missed anyone since he cut them off, but that picture was years old, from when they first met. Jack was young, probably seventeen at the most, wearing a shirt for some punk rock band that had likely disbanded by now, and had an arm around Zack. They were both smiling, genuinely smiling.

Jack couldn't bring himself to do it.

Instead, he sat himself down on the floor and scrolled through the pictures in his camera roll that had been building up for a couple years. Pictures like that one of him and Zack was from long before he first bought his cell phone, but back then he cared so much about old photographs that he stored them everywhere he could, and his phone was the first to get bombarded. But maybe that was one thing that simply hadn't changed about him, the one thing that had remained the same through all of this torment and pain and change his mind was putting him through: he still cared about those photos. 

Jack hadn't even realised he was crying until a tear dripped onto the screen and obscured his face in another one of the pictures, making it look like it was just of someone he had forgotten about for the longest time. Nano lost contact with everyone before Jack did, but for completely different reasons that Jack had forgotten at this point. Jack found it fair to assume that Nano's reason was far less selfish than his own, however, and this only made him feel worse about this entire situation he had thrown himself into. It was about as productive as throwing himself in front of a train that wasn't moving quite quick enough, leaving him broken and in the worst pain he had ever experienced, but not enough to kill him and get it over with.

He scrolled through those pictures for what felt like (and more than likely was) hours before he finally stood and walked back downstairs and hid himself in the bathroom. Through the mirror, he looked himself dead in the eyes and felt worse than he had when he was simply looking at those memories and remembering how good they all felt. "You," he began, never loosing contact with himself, "are such a shit person. You deserve nothing, you ungrateful piece of shit. The only thing you're worthy of is dying in some fucking ditch somewhere, alone and drunk, just like you want." 

Through the thin wall separating them, Rian could hear Jack's self confrontation, and needless to say he was concerned for his roommate. There were multiple examples of Jack clearly losing his mind that Rian could recall, and none of them ended pretty. Jack would usually get so pissed off that he threw things around upstairs, but Rian never stopped him. He didn't know what to do in a situation like that, but getting close to a potentially harmful person didn't seem like the most logical answer. This time, however, he decided to stop Jack before it got any worse.

Rian moved from his bed to the bathroom door and knocked lightly, praying that Jack didn't rip that door down and then tear into his face with an angry fist. He had admitted to himself long ago that he wasn't afraid of Jack, but he didn't want Jack to push himself to the point of hurting someone. Rian knew him better than Jack thought, he knew Jack wasn't violent and wouldn't hurt even a horsefly attacking him. If something pushed Jack far enough to the edge to hurt Rian, then something was far worse than just "off". Without being told this, Jack knew, and was hoping he didn't forget it.

A brief few seconds of silence passed and Rian wondered if Jack was pretending that he wasn't in there talking to himself just a minute ago. Rian took a deep breath and simply knocked again. "What?!" Jack shouted angrily, turning to glare at the door blocking the view of his roommate.

"Are you alright in there?"

Jack viciously rubbed the palm of his hand into his eye to get out any tears that had decided to stick around before letting out an annoyed huff. "Just peachy," he replied.

"Don't lie to me."

"Fuck off!" Jack was louder than he had ever been when shouting at someone before. He was tempted to throw a fist straight into the mirror through which he could see how red the skin on his face was turning. The room felt like it was spinning, and he couldn't seem to fill his lungs with enough air. If he passed out, it would have seemed reasonable. Instead, he took a few deep breaths and attempted to calm himself down, resting his face in his hands to visually block out everything around him. "Please," he had quieted down immensely, to where Rian could still hear him but he was no longer shouting, "just leave me alone."

Rian tentatively obliged, nervous to leave Jack alone. He didn't know what was wrong with his roommate, and he honestly didn't know what he was capable of. He was worried Jack was going to hurt him, but maybe he should have focused more on Jack hurting himself. Rian crept back to his room and closed the door behind himself, sitting on the bed and holding himself back from sobbing. When Jack had first moved in, they were friends; not close friends, but also not what they were now. He missed when Jack would speak with him instead of hiding upstairs and getting wasted. Rian almost felt like a disgruntled parent with a teenager who seemed to transgress the basic rules of living happily.

When Jack presumed the coast was clear, he ran from the bathroom straight back upstairs, locking himself away once again. He promised himself he wouldn't drink, and he was determined to follow through. He wasn't afraid of sleep anymore, he was just frustrated. So frustrated that all he wanted to do was sleep and never wake up. He didn't think anymore about it, stripping down to his boxers and laying himself on his side so he was staring at the wall. He curled up into a fetal position and attempted to catch a few minutes of sweet sleep.

He should have known that his dreams would continue to plague him with horrific images and negative thoughts. If he thought the end of the world was bad, this was Armageddon. He could no longer avoid his problems through sleep -- it felt as though life was taking away every little thing he could still handle and making life more hellish by the second. He was on the edge of completely breaking, as he thrashed back and forth on his mattress, wishing he could wake up and be the person he missed. Fruitlessly, he wished all of this was over, and he should have figured right from the start it wouldn't be that easy.

He would have to fight.


	7. Everybody Gets High

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //this chapter has a more detailed depiction of drug use. it's minor, but if you're sensitive to that kind of thing, I wouldn't recommend reading. stay safe.

It didn't last very long, that whole "hope" thing. Within the next week, Jack had attempted to punch a hole through the bathroom wall, nearly breaking his knuckles on the tiles. The bathroom became his place to scream and occasionally punch something, mostly because he could only spend so much time locked upstairs before he lost his mind entirely. Rian wanted to do something, he wasn't afraid of stepping up to Jack and stopping everything, he just really didn't know how to go about it. For the longest time he thought that maybe Jack was just lonely, but Jack had made it clear that he preferred to be alone.

The only time he had really been in contact with anyone without being forced into it through work was when Alex had randomly messaged him and asked why Jack never made an effort to initiate conversation after that night at the bar. But this may not have even counted considering Jack just ignored the chance to speak with Alex and eventually Alex, although severely disappointed in never hearing back, gave up on receiving a reply. Jack had what he had wanted from the depressing start: isolation.

One day, however, he decided to venture downstairs and discovered that he was home alone. It was a weekend, Sunday specifically, meaning Jack was free from work for a minimum of twenty-four hours. Cassadee had stayed in the apartment since the night before, something Jack noticed when he saw a box of cereal sitting on the small countertop. Rian never touched cereal, he said it had too much sugar, something Jack randomly remembered. He himself didn't particularly care about the sugar count, he just didn't eat a lot of breakfast food. Thinking about Cass led to thoughts about Rian cheating those few weeks ago, and Jack wondered if she had ever caught on to the things her boyfriend was doing behind her back.

Curiosity got the better of Jack as he approached their room, gently pushing the door open and being greeted with the cleanly space. The television was off and the bed was made, two things Jack noticed as soon as he walked in. He approached the dresser, spying on their personal lives with sleuth eyes, locating an orange bottle of medication. Jack recognized the name on the label as Cassadee Pope's as he held it in his hand and gave it a further examination. Pain pills, probably for that thing with her arm Rian had mentioned when Cass and Jack first met such a long time ago. Jack couldn't remember quite what it was, which was fine considering he didn't care a whole lot about it.

He was preoccupied with the thought of taking the pills in his hand to free himself from the hellish cage of his own mind. Things were rough again, and when things get rough people do dumb things. That's what the voice inside Jack's head was telling him as he read precautionary text on the bottle. Don't mix with alcohol. For the use of pain relief only.

Jack was in pain.

Use as prescribed. Jack didn't have a rebuttal for that one, but it didn't seem to matter at that moment. He made his decision and popped the bottle open, removing three of the generic white pills and then replacing the cap. Jack had friends back in high school that showed him dumb things like this when he was young and impressionable, something he was currently appreciative of. Snorting pills was one thing, but they had other odd tricks that he hadn't bothered with since he was seventeen. Not until now, that is.

He grabbed two squares of toilet paper and ripped them from the roll, bringing them over to the sink. On the counter next to the sink, he began fruitlessly searching around for something to crush the medication with, eventually ending up back in the kitchen and retrieving a spoon. He did what he could to the three pills before crumpling the small sheets of toilet paper around them and forcibly swallowing the contraption with a sip of water. He had done this before a few years back for fun with his batshit friends that were all probably dead by now, and he was surprised to still remember the process of getting high off something so easily.

He made sure to cover his tracks, washing the spoon and putting it back where he found it, making sure Cass's bottle was practically where she left it, then hiking upstairs and laying down on his bed. He fished his phone from his pocket and found a movie to watch on the Netflix account Zack still hadn't kicked him off of, laying back and simply enjoying the quiet. About an hour in, Jack was the most relaxed he had been in years, and he laid on his back to help subside the nausea that was starting to form. As he laid there, numbed and thoughtless, he was finally happy. There was no one else in the world but him, and yet he felt as though he was a million miles away, floating around in space somewhere without the need for oxygen.

Jack fell asleep like that, snoring and without any of the usual terrors. For a while there, he almost forgot why he stopped doing things like this. He randomly remembered how the hydrocodone appeared in drug tests, something his workplace randomly sprung on the workers every so often. Plus, he read the warnings. Painkillers aren't made to be fooled around with, but he couldn't bother to care. He was relaxed and content with his being, something rare and new. That was all he cared about as he passed out.

When we woke, Jack heard Rian and Cassadee rummaging around downstairs, most likely arriving home from their separate workplaces. It wasn't long before his phone started ringing, then going to voicemail as Jack made a conscious effort to ignore whoever dared call him on his day off. It started ringing again, and Jack forcibly picked it up with annoyance, immediately swiping to answer the damn call. "Hello?" he mumbled. The tone in Jack's voice was almost enough to discourage the person on the other line, however they weren't prone to simply throwing in the towel so quickly.

"Why won't you reply to my texts?"

Jack sat up slightly, thinking back to the only person who bothered trying to contact him anymore. "Alex?" Jack wasn't sure if the other man was obsessive or maybe just crazy, but he was slightly more creeped out than he had been at the bar. "What the hell do you want?"

"What's your address?" Alex questioned quickly. Jack paused to take a couple breaths before asking why the other man could possibly want his address. "I'm picking you up. You can only avoid me for so long, dude. We're hanging out, end of story."

Jack let out a deep sigh. "I'm busy," he lied with ease. He could hear Alex moving around through the line, the older man's breathing getting slightly heavier as if he was lifting something weighted down.

After another brief silence came Alex's reply. "You at work?"

"No." Jack could have disemboweled himself once he realized his mistake. He had never been angry at something Alex had done, it was more that Jack was angry at himself for being jealous, but this time was different. Sure, he made the mistake of acting as though he had something better to do than work, but Alex never should have just called. Or perhaps Jack should have simply never answered the phone. Everything would be so much easier for him if he wasn't so inquisitive about the world around him.

"Then you aren't busy," Alex laughed. Jack could hear the sound of something being slammed shut. "So, where do you live?"

Jack was reluctant, but Alex was able to persuade him by simply saying, "This is a small town, I can find you even without your consent," after Jack's initial refusal to give out his address. Then Alex was at the front door, and Jack was nervously pacing on the other side, wondering if he could get away with pretending to be out somewhere. Surely when Alex knocked Rian or Cass would answer and expose their roommate, which led Jack to finally give in and realize there was no way out. Alex was one persistent nuisance. 

So Jack got into the passenger side of Alex's car with no argument, immediately buckling himself in and crossing his arms over his chest like a toddler. He didn't have much to say as he was still recovering from the high induced drowsiness, but he could use body language to convey his emotions well enough for Alex to get the picture. The latter laughed and pulled out into the street, the two sitting in a lingering silence before Alex turned them onto a highway, piquing Jack's interest. It hit Jack that he had no idea where the hell Alex was taking him. "So, where are we going?"

"It speaks!" Alex said happily, momentarily ignoring Jack's question. Alex offered a small glance to the man beside him, receiving a glare sharp enough to cut. "We're going to Baltimore."

Jack's eyes widened and he almost ordered Alex to stop the vehicle right there on the highway. "Isn't that a little far? I thought we would be going someplace stupid like Chuck E. Cheese." Alex chuckled and gave a small nod afterwords. "Then why are we going?"

"I got a gig opening for a popular band for one night only," Alex replied cheerfully. Jack could hear the pride in his voice. The fogginess in Jack's mind began clearing a bit, and he almost couldn't believe he forgot Alex was a musician. "Baltimore's a drive, sure, but I take what I can swing." He flashed Jack a wide smile that he was obviously trying to tone down. "And since you missed my last performance, you get another chance."

"You're forcing me to watch you play a guitar and sing?"

"Yup."

Jack was oddly okay with that. After all, they had been on the road for nearly an hour at that point, and there really wasn't much turning back. He was still rather content and out of it, making him a bit more passive of Alex's crazed decision making. Maybe Alex wasn't so terrible. At least, that's what Jack's influenced mind was convincing him of, surely the moment he was sober again he'd snap and scream at Alex until the older man understood that Jack wasn't interested in being social. But for now, Jack was okay with this.

Alex could tell, which was obvious in the way that he wouldn't stop smiling. Jack figured it was just Alex giving himself a pat on the back for landing something in Baltimore, but he wasn't perceptive enough to see all that was going on. He didn't notice and he didn't particularly care, something that had become alien to him for the longest time. The person who Jacm used to be was almost making a guest appearance it seemed, and needless to say Alex was perfectly fine with this imposter of the Jack he knew. He was genuinely happy about the show, but he was somehow happier about Jack smiling in the seat next to him. It was completely odd with next to nothing making any logical sense.

It was quite a while before the two reached Baltimore, and Jack began attempting swallowing down lumps in his throat that kept surfacing like buoys. There was an overarwhelming anxiety he couldn't place a finger on the source of, but he hoped he would get over it soon. Alex hardly noticed as he pulled them into a rest stop packed to the brim with tourists and people like them who were simply trying to get in and take a piss. "The next rest stop is another state down, so it looks like we're stopping at a scenic one," Alex announced as they finally located a free parking spot. "The place is legitimately packed, so watch yourself." He gave a wink before turning to approach the entrance of the building.

As Alex trotted off in search of a bathroom, Jack stayed standing next to the car, eyebrows furrowed together in clear confusion. Did Alex just...wink? "Who even winks anymore?" Jack mumbled to himself as he peeled himself away from the vehicle. He began shoving through hoards of people, hardly taking in the scenery. He didn't see how he building itself was large, with a big sign hanging above the many automated glass doors that said something along the lines of "Baltimore Welcomes You". He did, however, see multiple lines of people forming in front of different fast food joints within the building. There was pizza, seafood, soups, salads, burgers, and practically anything else that's edible being vended through workers at the registers. 

Jack finally looked around and saw how massive this place was, immediate anxiety rushing through him. He was never going to find the bathroom. "Damn it," he whispered, glancing around and noticing that he had hardly made it past the entrance. There were massage chairs to the far left of him, begging for quarters to provide a couple minutes of relaxation. He found a little area that had windows shining to the parking lot containing a few chairs and couches, a bucket of brochures advertising all of Baltimore's many attractions. Jack sat on one of the chairs and took a quick breather. Maybe Alex would change his mind, turn around, and just drive them off the road somewhere where they could take a piss and be done with it.

Jack was almost correct as Alex came jogging up, chuckling to himself. "Bathrooms are packed," he reported. Jack gave a quiet, relieved sigh. "We'll have to wait until we reach the venue," Alex continued, scratching at the poor excuse of a beard growing along his jaw. The two exited the building, locating the car after a little bit of searching, and were back on the road once again.

Jack could tell this was still going to be an awfully long ride.


	8. Space Enough to Grow

More days similar to that passed, slowly for sure, but they passed. Jack had realized then that he had to fight whatever this was that was clearly eating away at his sanity, and he had truly been trying. The days had finally seemed to have gotten slightly easier, very slightly, but he was just thankful to get through a couple of those days without wanting to hurl himself off a bridge into oncoming traffic below. Even working a boring job had become a bit better for him -- more like a distraction from those thoughts telling him to stay inside and drink all day. That was the one thing that hadn't seemed to have changed, the drinking.

It was simply a way for Jack to pretend that he was getting better when he really wasn't. He felt like he was, but it was truly just an illusion, his brain reaching for one last thing to make himself feel better. It was trying to salvage what little bit of his life that was left, and he was quickly falling for it, but only when intoxicated. If he wasn't sober, then he wasn't thinking about the world around him or whatever thoughts were floating around in his head that day. At some point down the line, he vaguely remembered either Josh or Zack messaging him, or maybe someone else he had been in loose contact with before all this, but he promptly ignored them and kept his emotional walls up high.

Only Rian had gotten a small glimpse into the shit Jack had been dealing with every day that one night outside the bathroom. He heard the things Jack was saying to himself, one of the main reasons he was afraid Jack was going to do something drastic. Much to Rian's relief, though, nothing had happened on that night or any of the ones following. He still hardly saw Jack come downstairs, but he wasn't going to go out of his way and attempt to make contact anymore. Only if Jack was in dire need of help would Rian reach out and aid him. If Jack wanted to be alone, then Rian would oblige and leave him be.

Jack had worked another hellish shift at work on this day, practically on his knees thanking a God he hardly even believed in that he was finally free for the next few hours. His carpool dropped him off at the apartment, one of the only places he was ever happy to see. When he wasn't at home, it was the only place he ever wanted to be, and that certainly applied to his current feelings. He noticed that Rian's car wasn't in the small driveway, which was odd. By this time of night, Rian was usually home, sometimes with Cassadee. It didn't take long for Jack to realize that he had locked himself out, and he nearly punched himself straight in the face for making such a stupid mistake again.

He didn't feel like paying to repair a broken window, which would be his only way in without a key, instead deciding to just walk off somewhere and wait out the night until Rian got home. If he had something to pick the lock with, everything would have been ten times easier, but alas his pockets were practically empty, and he had nowhere to be but home. There was a bar not too far from the apartment complex, a place where he could just sit in peace even without a drink in hand. That became his destination, and before long he was walking up into the parking lot, passing different kinds of cars and motorcycles on his way in.

Jack had only been to this place maybe once before, but it was rather low-key and small, something he was thankful for. There was a small stage in the far-right corner from the entrance, the bar with stools to the left, and a couple booths sprinkled along the left side. There were also a few tables, but nobody seemed to populate them. Upon taking a closer look, Jack briefly recognized the man sitting on a wooden stool onstage with a guitar in hand; that same guy he kept managing to run into. He missed his opportunity to dash out of the building and avoid possible conversation once Alex's eyes locked on him for a brief second before gliding right back to the small crowd standing before the even smaller stage. 

It was hardly even a stage, more like a platform that could hold, at the most, four people and a couple instruments. It wasn't anything special, but the entire bar was rather run down and shabby looking. The only modern things in the entire place besides the young people were probably the lights dotting the ceiling.

Jack sat at the very end of the bar, as far from the stage as he could possibly squeeze himself, but before long Alex had plopped himself onto the stool next door. "I thought you were done with the whole 'drinking in public' shebang. Awfully dubious, Jack," Alex said with a smirk.

"I'm not actually here to drink," Jack replied simply.

"I'd love to hear all about it, but you have to let me buy you a drink before you say anything." Jack rolled his eyes. "Anything you want, lay it on me."

Jack gave him a curious look, the first time he truly focused on Alex that night. He was smiling crookedly, like he knew something Jack didn't. Maybe he did, Jack seriously wouldn't doubt it. "Whiskey," then, before Alex could interrupt; "I locked myself out of my apartment. That's it."

"A blessing in disguise obviously," Alex replied before waving the bartender down to their end and ordering Jack's shot of whiskey. "I mean, if you hadn't been so careless, you wouldn't be sitting right here, next to me." He slid some cash over to pay for the drink.

"Blessing in disguise, my ass." Jack knocked back the drink in one fluid motion, Alex's vision completely locked on him for those few seconds. They made eye contact as Jack placed the glass back on the bar. Then, he did something he had never expected himself to do: he kept the conversation going. "So, you're one of those whiny guys who plays guitar and has a cult following of crazy teenage girls?"

Alex chuckled and shook his head. "I'd like to be taken a bit more seriously than that. I'm more than just some throwaway pop act, I can assure you. In fact--" Alex stood and began fishing around in his pockets, clearly on the hunt for something in there. Jack watched as he revealed a business card and slid it over to Jack on the bar top, sitting back down on his stool. "See that? I have a business number. And, now that you have your wallet back, you could have something new to put in it."

"Ah," Jack sounded, picking up the card and examining it closely. "I've never heard of a musician carrying business cards. That's more for people with, I don't know, businesses."

"Here's the catch, any special lady I see gets this one," Alex held up another card, identical to the last, aside from the back.

"Personal number," Jack read. Then, he laughed for the first time in months. "You're kidding, right? You don't actually hand those out." Alex shook his head, feeling an odd sense of pride in making Jack laugh. He had actually been feeling that odd sense of pride since the moment Jack kept their conversation from being one-sided. He knew there was something more to Jack than his cold exterior, and he thought maybe he had finally began to break down the walls and find whatever that yolky inside was.

"Well, it hasn't worked yet, but I'm still perfecting my methods." Someone standing on the stage shouted Alex's name to get his attention, attempting to wave him over. He was kind of crushed by this, not wanting to leave Jack after they finally began to speak. He didn't know anything about this man, but he was so inexplicably obsessed with him. After letting out a defeated sigh, he turned back to Jack and gave a small smile. "My break's over. Hope your whiskey was supernacular." He took back both of his business cards, giving them both a quick look down before sliding one back over. "Keep one, I even do weddings."

With that, Alex was bustling back over to the stage and leaving Jack to think about how truly odd this man was. Jack figured he could even be an anomaly of sorts as he fiddled with the card Alex left. It wasn't long before the sound of Alex strumming on his guitar was being amplified through a couple speakers sitting in front of the stage, catching Jack's attention in an instant. He stuffed the card in his pocket and walked closer to Alex who hadn't begun singing yet and was looking down as he played the instrument in his hands, unaware of how close Jack was standing to the stage. Jack was behind a majority of the crowd, but if Alex glanced up he would see him.

When Alex did, he grinned and put his lips up to the microphone. "This one goes out to a new friend."

New friend. Jack felt something in him light up, and he didn't know how else to react than to walk out of the bar and take a deep breath of the cool night air outside. He didn't want to go through this again so soon. Sure, he made a goal to meet new people, but he wasn't quite ready to put that in place yet. He wasn't prepared to start growing back into the person he used to be, and he hadn't realized that the thought of any change truly terrified him. As bad as he felt about doing so, he left the bar and arrived home without ever hearing Alex perform. He even apologized to Rian for locking himself out when he knocked on the door, something neither of them was used to.

Jack jogged upstairs, closed the door, and threw himself onto the bed. He wanted to sleep again. He shimmied out of his pants, quite the feat for someone laying down, before remembering that Alex's card was in there. He would have felt terrible if he left it in his jeans and accidentally washed it with his dirty laundry. With a sigh, he sat up and dug the thing out, noticing that Alex had to have made a mistake and given him the wrong card. Jack was no 'special lady', yet Alex's personal number was scrawled out on the back in Sharpie. Jack retrieved his phone and began typing in the number. 

He sent out a message apologizing for leaving without listening to any of Alex's performance, also informing Alex that this was Jack and he was wrongfully handed the second kind of business card Alex produced. Within minutes, Alex simply replied: "Silly me."

Jack rolled his eyes and tossed his phone aside on the bed before standing and placing the card on his dresser. He got a good look at his sunken eyes in the mirror and finally realized how tired he had been. Of course, it didn't matter how tired he was, sleeping was so undesirable no matter the occasion. If he had to sit through one more playback of him gruesomely murdering Zack, he would surely lose his mind. Alex was able to momentarily distract him from basically everything, and he almost wished he hadn't left the bar. Almost.

He rubbed at one of his eyes and fell back onto the bed, taking a few seconds to reflect on all that he had felt today. There was some glimmer of hope, a persistent thing named Alex, that Jack thought back to. This night was one of the better he had experienced in the longest time, and it gave him something to hold onto. It was like holding onto a microscopic organism, but at least he had caught the damn thing. All his wrongs and everything horrible he had been feeling prior to this were gone for a least an hour, proving to him that he really could get better.

He could die at any moment, as everyone does at some point, and sitting around without any life left in him just meant that he had practically already been dead. But now, now he was going to live. He was going to make the most of what he was given, as there was something left deep inside for him to hold. For the first time since his life had been plummeting without end, he had hope.


	9. Silver

"Let's break this silence with some small talk," Alex had said sometime during the drive. Jack imagined slitting his own throat and bleeding out all over the nice interior of Alex's car. Anything but small talk. He hated questioning people and being questioned, and small talk did nothing less than just combine the two. "Ask me anything, I'm an open novella." There wasn't much Jack wanted to know other than how to get back home from all the way out here, something he would refrain from asking only to spare Alex's feelings. He had decided that Alex was a rather nice guy that truly did mean well, but that didn't mean he was anything short of obsessed with Jack for some unknown reason.

After some critical thinking, Jack thought up something he was genuinely curious about. "If you want to be a serious musician, and you have to drive all the way out to places like Baltimore, why do you live in a small town with no exposure?"

"Is this your nice way of asking me to move far, far away from you?" Alex joked, turning to look at Jack for a moment before turning back to the road. Jack quietly replied that he was serious and Alex gnawed on his bottom lip. "I don't know," he finally said after minutes of contemplation. "I grew up there for most of my childhood, and I kinda don't wanna leave. Memories and shit." Jack nodded along with every word spoke, invested in a conversation for the first time in nearly a year. "It's a little sappy, but it's hard to leave a childhood home, ya know? If I wasn't so sensitive about it, I'd probably be in Hollywood by now," he continued with a laugh. Alex was joking for the most part, but Jack could tell that there was some truth to his words.

"I actually lived in Baltimore for most of my childhood," Jack confessed. Alex's eyes widened as he glanced at the man beside him. "I guess that's where we're different, I couldn't wait to get out." Jack chuckled and thought back to his childhood in Baltimore. Considering the current circumstances, maybe moving away so quickly was a bad idea , but at the time he couldn't stand the damn place. He dreaded going back, but he would never tell Alex that. Something about Baltimore threw him off and he didn't want to face the feelings brought out by that.

Within seconds, he was annoyed again. Annoyed with Alex, himself, the car and how it wasn't moving fast enough, Baltimore, Alex. "I have a better question for you," he began in a snappy tone; "why do you care?"

"What?" Alex laughed. "Why do I care about what? You?" he guessed with a smile. That smile faltered once he saw Jack's tense body language. "Because you're my friend," Alex offered some reassurance, "I care about my friends."

"You're avoiding the question," Jack replied bluntly. Alex couldn't help but grow a bit anxious. Jack was staring daggers into Alex's eyes, and he attempted to brush it off with a small chuckle.

"No, I answered you." Jack rolled his eyes, clearly displeased with the reply he received. He wanted to know why Alex bothered messaging him even after being ignored. He wanted to know why Alex pulled up at his door today and was driving him all the way to Baltimore. He wanted to know why Alex cared about him. In Jack's eyes, they weren't friends, but that feeling was clearly not a mutual one and he wanted to know why. The small conversation had clearly reached its end once Alex reached forward and played a CD already in the player. Jack recognized it as something he probably listened to back in high school.

Alex simply reminded Jack of his high school self. His personality, music taste, appearance, all things Jack used to associate with himself. It was as if he split off into two different people and only one of them really grew up. He turned and stared out the window for the remainder of the drive, wondering just how similar he and Alex may be. It didn't change the fact that he was angry, but he slowly began to forget, and before long he was humming along to the radio (something Alex had been doing since it was first turned on) and admiring all the tall buildings they drove past. They were long off the highway, so they had to have been getting close by now.

Jack's suspicions proved to be correct as Alex parked on some random street, dispensing quarter upon quarter into a parking meter until he was satisfied. "We're gonna have to walk a little bit," Alex stated. He walked around to the trunk of the car and dug out his guitar case, placing it beside him, then removing a duffel bag and shoving it into Jack's legs.

"We're spending the night?" Jack questioned as he took hold of the bag. Alex slammed the trunk shut, locked the car, and gave a prompt nod. "I didn't bring anything." Alex chuckled as if that was part of some evil plan he had been cooking up. "And I have work tomorrow," Jack continued with a nervous quiver in his voice. There was another laugh from the older of the two. Jack absolutely couldn't get fired. If he was fired, Rian would kick him out. "I'm serious, Alex."

"Aaaaand?" Alex teased, taking the lead on the walk to the venue. Jack had nowhere to be but with Alex, something he quickly realized once he was left alone in the street. Carrying the bag along with him, he began catching up to Alex, who was still laughing at his own antics. "You've got to live a little, Jack," he said after they had gotten a few feet further down the street. If only Alex knew that Jack's "living a little" was getting himself high off his roommate's girlfriend's Vicodin tabs, and things of that sort when he was younger. 

"I do live, every single day," Jack replied sarcastically, then thinking to himself about he really didn't want to live every single day. He had never considered himself suicidal, but maybe it was something worth looking up and reading into. There may be answers to the big question about what was wrong with him. Perhaps Alex was right, though. Living a little more may have been precisely what Jack needed. "I guess I could just..." he paused to think, "call in sick. Or something."

"Don't make a habit of it." Alex gave another wink, this one making Jack question the man next to him even more. Seriously, who winks anymore?! Serial killers was Jack's answer to his own question. He thought about the possibility of Alex carrying lethal instruments of torture in his guitar case, brutally murdering Jack behind one of the buildings (where drug deals were certainly occurring), and then chopping his limbs and sticking them in the duffle bag. Jack wouldn'tbe surprised or disappointed. He was going to die one day, why not be violently killed by someone pretending to be a friend? Maybe he had taken Alex for granted.

The walk didn't last much longer than a few minutes. Jack could see a line consisting mostly of teenage girls and their middle-aged parents (that were unfortunately dragged along) forming outside of what was clearly the venue. A few of them saw Alex, getting their hopes up in thinking that maybe one of the people they were really here to see was just now entering through the front, only to be disappointed by some unrecognizable man. Alex wasn't phased, still giving them all a smile as he dragged Jack along behind him to the front of the line. He stopped suddenly, Jack bumping into his back, and retrieved a lanyard from his pocket, placing it over Jack's head to rest like a necklace.

Alex explained that he was performing as an opening act tonight, showing the guard some paper that Jack didn't recognize. Alex then pointed to Jack and informed the guard on the plus one policy for performers the owners of the venue had set in place. The guard nodded and ushered them inside, a few of the people at the front of the line beginning a small uproar in frustration of being skipped. Alex took hold of Jack's hand in his own and pulled him like a freight wagon attached to a train up to the stage. This confused Jack, as he could clearly see the stage, and no one had been allowed into the venue just yet, so there was no need for guidance.

He didn't know that Alex was just waiting for an opportunity to hold his hand.

The performances themselves came and went rather quickly for Jack, who was only alone in the crowd during Alex's show, joined by Alex for the remainder of them. The lanyard Alex had bestowed upon him granted them a backstage pass with refreshments and a chance to meet the main band performing, three guys Alex apparently already knew pretty well, and Jack figured that was the whole reason Alex had the chance to perform tonight at all. Jack, on the other hand, had never met the likes of any of them. He wasn't typically fond of new people nowadays, but Alex kept insisting that he take advantage of the pass and have a short conversation with them at the least. With the suspicion of Alex being out to kill him floating in the back of his mind, Jack had obliged.

Once backstage, the singer was the only one still hanging around the refreshment table, exactly where Jack and Alex had found him. He gave a bright smile and pulled Alex in for a warm hug that appeared to Jack as though the latter's bones were going to be crushed on impact. The singer then turned to Jack with another smile. "So, Alex dragged you along to a concert, eh?" Jack nodded, feigning eye contact. "You must be pretty special, like a four leaf clover."

Alex shook his head, something Jack missed out of the corner of his eye. "I'm Awsten, with a 'W', by the way," Awsten laughed, reaching a hand out for Jack to shake. An oddly formal gesture, but it was better than hugging in Jack's book. 

"Jack." Once the handshake had come and gone, Awsten turned to the table and picked one of every kind of cheese from the cheese platter, stuffing them all into his face at once. Alex rested his face in the palm of his hand, seemingly embarrassed. Awsten gave a cheesy smile and stuck a thumb out to point behind himself. 

"Have you met Geoff and Otto?" he questioned through the cement-esque  layer of food in his mouth.

A couple more handshakes and introductions later, Jack was actually feeling pretty...decent. The three man band -- Waterparks, as they are more commonly known -- was a group of people that didn't make Jack hate himself at the end of their meeting, which was definitely better than the alternative of him actually hating himself after meeting them. Geoff and Otto were more laid back than Awsten, the latter seeming as though he had taken too many happy pills this morning. Geoff said something about that just being Awsten's personality, but it was a lot of hyperactivity from one person for Jack to handle.

The band met with a handful of fans that all wore the same lanyard as Jack, taking pictures  with them, handing them drawings, and crying. There was lots of crying. Once the entire line had completely ceased to exist, Awsten ran off to another part of the backstage area, coming back wearing a pastel sweater and a smile. "You guys wanna go grab something to eat?" he asked the remainder of his band, as well as Alex and Jack. Geoff and Otto murmered about some restaurants in the area and Jack turned to his chaperone of sorts. 

"Didn't we just eat?" Alex laughed as Jack's words caught everyone's else's ears despite his quiet tone.

"Refreshments, yeah, but we need to eat some real food," Otto answered. "If you're gonna hang around with the band, you've gotta learn to eat like you're in one." Jack gave a tentative glance in Alex's direction, the latter continuing to laugh at Jack's naivety. 

"We're coming with," Alex said. Nervously, Jack nodded along, already dreading the possibilities of what could happen. Now he had people to impress, which he didn't like the sound of. Alex gave him a pat on the back, offering a sympathetic smile. "Live a little," he whispered in a sing song voice; "I'll protect you from anything that goes wrong. We don't need anything bad about you in the media."

It was oddly heartwarming, genuinely making Jack feel just a bit better. He gave a final nod of agreement. The thought of his name and face in the media was terrifying, but he went against his better judgement and trusted Alex. 

He didn't know that Alex meant he would protect Jack from everything the world threw at him. Alex figured things about Jack, things Jack refused to tell anyone about or get any help with, but Alex just knew. Alex would fight for Jack, like silver lining on a fence, protecting him from the world.


	10. serfs up

The dinner went well, better than well even. The only downside was Jack's feelings by the end of it, and the way he missed spending time with his own friends. He could always apologize and try to set things back to the way they had been for the longest time, but he was concerned about the way Zack and Josh would see him now. Josh would undoubtedly force him into some kind of rehab or mental facility, and Zack would just feel sorry for him. Eventually, he recalled his goal of making new friends that would essentially replace those he had abandoned, thinking about the four guys he had been out with that night. He began to consider Alex a friend, something the latter had wanted all along, and even had at least one conversation with the other three.

Being around them had truly helped, much to Jack's surprise. It could have been exactly what he needed.

They went directly from the restaurant to the hotel Alex informed everyone he already reserved a room for, being stopped by Awsten when Alex attempted to climb out of the car they were all riding in. "You already paid for a room?" he questioned. Alex gave a slow, confused nod in reply. "Dude, if you told us you were spending the night you could have bunked with us," Awsten continued. Jack got the feeling that Awsten was a little hurt, but Awsten didn't seem to act upon it.

"I can pay for my own room," Alex said quietly. He didn't particularly enjoy people acting as though he couldn't live on his own, like he was some kind of bum or something. He had gotten plenty of that from his parents when he first moved out. "It's really not an issue, Awsten."

"I know," Awsten responded, "but are you sure that's a good idea? Your income isn't the most steady right now." Alex rolled his eyes, angsty teenager style. He knew Awsten meant well, but that didn't stop it from being insulting. Jack was confused, he thought the steakhouse would have paid decently enough for Alex to get a hotel room for the night. 

Unless... "Did you lose your job?" Jack interjected suddenly. All eyes were now locked on him, and he sunk back into his seat, regretting every opening his mouth.

"No!" Alex replied defensively. "I, uh, quit." Awsten nodded, gnawing on the inside of his mouth and staring with unfocused eyes towards the ground. Geoff and Otto simply looked to each other, the both of them wishing they were anywhere but in this car. The entire experience reeked with a sense of awkwardness. "We'll see you guys in the morning," Alex ended the conversation, slipping out of the car with Jack quickly following. Alex removed his duffle bag from the trunk and slung it over his shoulder, waving the three other men off and stalking towards the place he and Jack would be sleeping.

Without a word, he led the way inside, only speaking to the lady at the front desk who handed him the room keys. He placed one in Jack's hand and they walked to the elevator, making it to their room on the second floor in what felt like seconds. Once inside, Alex dumped himself onto the nearest bed and let out a long sigh, Jack watching him and trying not to laugh. "Sorry I didn't tell you we would be sleeping over," Alex said, his words slightly muffled by his arm strewn across his face. "I thought if I told you, you wouldn't come with me."

Jack sat on the edge of the unoccupied bed. "It's alright."

Alex sat up and the two stared at each other for a moment. He almost wished he "accidentally" paid for a room with only one bed so he could have an excuse to be closer with the younger man. With a sigh, he stood and began digging through his bag, removing a pair of sweats and an old Blink-182 shirt that was stained with something in some spots. He ran off to the bathroom, leaving Jack alone with his thoughts. Jack took a deep breath, releasing it slowly and wishing he had some more comfortable clothes to sleep in or change into in the morning. He thought about Alex's car that was still parked by the venue, wondering if that was illegal. He thought about Awsten, Geoff, and Otto, and what they may be doing right about now.

Everything was so alien to him. He had never experienced anything like this. Not that it was a common experience, hanging around with a somewhat popular band and your friend that just so happened to open for them at a headlining show in Baltimore. Jack repeated the word friend in his head, realizing that it would take some getting used to. He missed Josh and Zack, which nearly made him feel normal again. He forgot what it felt like to crave another human's company or miss someone. He could feel a pain rising in his throat, his eyes quickly filling with tears, but he swallowed it all back down with a few more deep breaths. Why wasn't he normal?

He hated himself for everything. He finally saw the error in getting drunk and yelling at Josh that night. All this time, he saw nothing wrong with it, felt no guilt. It was now coming back to bite him in the ass, and it hurt. Boy, did it hurt. He hated himself for acting the way he did to Rian every time they interacted, he hated himself for taking Cass's pills earlier. He hated himself for not taking Alex seriously the first few times Alex made an attempt at friendship. Maybe Jack was better alone, then he couldn't hurt anyone.

Jack contemplated throwing himself out of the window. The second floor was high enough to take his life if he hit the concrete ground below hard enough. As his feelings hit peak negativity, he felt a hand on his shoulder, and he nearly had a heart attack. "You alright, man?" Alex questioned with a concerned voice. Jack turned to look at him, and Alex saw the tears swimming in his eyes. "What's wrong?" Jack knew Alex wanted nothing more than to help, but he didn't know what to say. God, what was wrong with him? It was similar to when a kid is depressed and is too afraid to tell a loving parent, but Jack didn't see Alex as some authority figure that was going to hurt him for confessing his wrongs. He was simply afraid without rational reason.

"Nothing," Jack replied. He changed his mind, figuring "nothing" was too obvious, and created an easy excuse. "Just memories." Alex nodded and rubbed his back, sitting himself down beside Jack. Jack didn't want that, he wanted to be alone for a moment. But he didn't really want to be alone either. He was afraid of himself and what might happen if he didn't have someone around to show that they cared even a little bit. He was torn and confused, wishing he had never even come with Alex. Certain feelings conflicted that as well, because he was also so glad that he had come. He didn't know what he was feeling, and before long he had a pounding headache. "I'm just gonna sleep," he mumbled.

Alex was torn between forcing a real confession out of Jack and leaving the latter alone to sleep. He knew Jack's excuse was bullshit, but he wasn't sure if calling him out on it was a good idea. Slowly, Alex reached over and held Jack's hand, running his thumb over the back of his hand as a way to comfort the younger man. "Alright." He released Jack's hand and stood, silently cursing himself for not doing anything more for his clearly distressed friend. Alex walked back to the bathroom, Jack simply watching from his perch on what was his bed for the night. He stared down at his lap where his hand rested, not moving it since Alex had let it go. Alex had done it again.

In the bathroom, Alex intently focused on his reflection, knowing he needed to screw his head on straight. Was he being too obvious? Did Jack know? He took a deep breath and turned to the toothbrush he had pulled out of his bag earlier, attempting to scrub away every bad feeling he had by nearly tearing his gums apart with the damn thing. He spit up a bit of blood but couldn't find the will to care. He was so focused on running back out there and figuring out what was really bothering Jack, but he just knew he couldn't. Defeated, he exited the bathroom and returned to his own rented bed, seeing that Jack had laid down and thrown covers over himself in the one parallel to his. 

Alex did the same, laying on his side and being faced with a wall to keep himself from staring at Jack. He was worried, his stomach tying itself in knots. He had been worried from the first time he met Jack, when he was still working at the steakhouse with his abusive boss. He was lighthearted, joking around with Jack and attempting to make a bad situation better. He heard the story from someone else who worked there, the story that that two guys came in, one getting plastered and yelling at the other. They stood in the doorway and watched as the two argued outside, saying that the sober one sounded as though his heart was being torn in two. After the drunk one stormed off, the other handed the wallet to the server and told them to hold onto it until the drunk came back for it.

The wallet got passed around until it was in the possession of their boss, and he instructed everyone to keep a closer eye on the alcohol intake of the customers. Alex knew who Jack was and what he did the moment they met. The strange feelings had started right then, some weird instincts telling Alex that he should look out for Jack. He thought of himself as delusional, but seeing Jack again was enough motivation to follow through with his weird ideas. From then on, he searched for a way to find Jack, already knowing his first and last name, but nothing really came up. Their meetings were all by chance, but giving Jack the wrong business card was not. He didn't hand those out, Jack was right about that, Alex only had one that now sits alone on Jack's dresser back home.

Alex wished he was different. He wouldn't admit anything to himself out of the fear of rejection or discrimination. He wondered if Jack had figured it out by now, if he had been trying too hard, if every little move he made was too obvious. He was still dwelling on it: did Jack know? 

He was so strung up in his own head that he didn't hear Jack quietly saying his name from the next bed over the first time. Or the second, but the third finally made its way into Alex's head. He rolled himself over and could faintly see the outline of Jack's body across from him. "What?" Alex questioned in a whisper. He was hoping for the best but was completely prepared for the worst. There was a chance Jack was going to confront him, tell him to get lost, tell him to change. There was a chance Jack was going to hate him forever, and right then could be when Jack decided to say something. 

Alex was surprised to hear what Jack replied with instead. Nothing filled with hatred, nothing telling Alex that he was terrible and that Jack wanted nothing to do with him after this. It was simple, but it nearly made Alex's heart melt. 

"Thank you." 

Alex didn't offer anything to add onto that, he just let the two words stay still in the room, as if there was absolutely nothing else to be said. Jack didn't mind in the slightest, he was just glad Alex was with him. Maybe he didn't need to know why Alex cared about him, it was simply enough knowing that Alex cared.

The two fell asleep facing each other, one craving the other's warmth and wishing he could just get over these fruitless feelings, the other content for the first time in what felt like an eternity. Morning came quick, announcing its presence with the sunlight that was completed blocked by the thick curtain obscuring the hotel window. Alex woke first, remembering the policy of leaving the room before eleven. He glanced at the electronic clock on the shared nightstand, seeing he was early enough for breakfast. Jack was fast asleep, giving the occasional snore that had Alex chuckling as he dressed himself for the day, not bothering with bringing himself to the bathroom. He decided to go down and take advantage of the complementary food being served, figuring that he was fast enough with stuffing food down his throat to be back up before Jack stirred awake.

There were the usual options one would find in a hotel breakfast bar: cereals, a waffle iron, omelettes and hard boiled eggs, muffins and scones, and a dispenser with apple and orange juice nozzles. By far, Alex's favorite part of travelling (something he wished he could do more often) was the breakfast at hotels that bordered between high class and middle class, so seeing all of the food was an exciting experience every time. He ate quickly and even wrapped some stuff up for Jack, bringing it upstairs and being pleasantly surprised to see the younger man awake.

"I brought food," Alex chirped, bringing the paper plate over to Jack. The latter looked like a mess, his bed-head completely flat on one side but sticking straight up on the other, and with bags under his eyes that had become a part of him after being there for so long. Jack didn't know how to kindly inform Alex that he was more of a junk food person than a breakfast one, so he instead just accepted the food with a smile and a yawn. "Only muffins though, they were beginning to run out of everything else."

Jack laughed. "That's alright." He took one of the muffins and began eating, asking what was on the agenda for today through the food becoming something like a paste in his mouth from mixing with saliva.

"Not sure. Otto's picking us up for something, though," Alex replied. "So get ready as best you can, 'cause I'm sure we have a long day ahead of us." This could be the day he told Jack how he felt, even if it felt too fast. He was impatient and too far gone, but maybe Jack was too.


	11. Anathema

The day was eventful to say the least. Jack had come to really enjoy Awsten, Otto, and Geoff's company. He wouldn't say he already enjoyed Alex's, but it felt better to him than acting as though he didn't enjoy Alex's company at all. Otto took them up to a different hotel, one closer to the venue Waterparks had performed at the night before, where the five men all sat in Awsten and Geoff's suite, Otto making a joke about he was always the one sleeping in a separate room. That was how he liked it, so that was how it stayed.

Awsten had pulled out a laptop, playing Jack some of their demo songs and asking for an opinion on a few. Jack wasn't sure what he was supposed to say if he didn't like a song, so he decided on simply saying that they were all good and hoped it wouldn't be held against him. He didn't have to lie in the end, much to his relief. They were all talented, reminding Jack of his own hopes of being in a band when he was younger. That had died out when he graduated, and he had realized then that it was just one of those weird rockstar phases a lot of teenagers go through. Back then, he dreamed about being famous enough to sign girl's tits with a Sharpie, something that was laughable now. He was okay with letting that dream slip away, he just wished he had found something else to be interested and invest himself in.

They were there for a few hours before Alex broke the news that he and Jack had to be heading back to another part of Maryland where they lived, mostly so Jack could wash himself and prepare for work tomorrow. Alex himself was hoping to get into a recording studio while in Baltimore, but Awsten was unable to swing him a spot in one that accepted aspiring artists. It was unfortunate, the first time Jack had felt bad for someone since his major depression kick, but Alex lied and said he'd find away to get his name out there on his own if he had to. In all honesty, he didn't know what he was going to do. If this music thing didn't pick up, he'd be out of a job entirely. Playing the local bar once every few days only paid so much. Jack wished there was something he could do, but he didn't know anyone in the industry with enough power to help Alex out.

The two then said their goodbyes, the other men saying how they hoped to see them again as they departed. On the drive back, Jack had told Alex he was glad to have gotten out of the house for a couple days, and it brought a warm smile to Alex's face. He was breaking Jack's walls down and he knew it. He had already begun to see someone different than the angry Jack he had known, the man who was filled with spite and a particular hatred for being sober. Alex was relieved that he wasn't striking out or wasting his time with this, but it all came down to his intentions. He decided that telling Jack now was a terrible idea, and so he simply let it go for the remainder of the hours they spent together that day.

It would have been better for Alex if he weren't ignorant to the fact that Jack didn't feel the same.

He still drove Jack home all the same, and Jack, despite enjoying himself more than he had for the longest time, was relieved to be back in his room upstairs. He missed sitting on his nasty old bed and being alone. Rian was at work, so he didn't have to worry about anyone bothering him, and it was nice for a few hours. Then his old feelings sat back in, as if they had never left when they truly had when his mind was occupied. Sure, they popped back up once and again when he was with the Waterparks guys and Alex, but they were temporary. They were haunting him full-time again, making Jack want to smash his skull open from banging his head feverishly against the wall.

Worthless. Pathetic. Waste of space. There's a reason nobody wants anything to do with you. You're going to die alone. Why do you even bother trying? Go back to sleep and pray you don't wake up in the morning, you poor excuse of a human being.

Jack did just that, but it was stupid to even try. He slept so well in that hotel room with Alex, and he almost wished Alex was with again just so he could sleep like that one more time. He had forgotten the terrible things he saw when he closed his eyes, but they were back with a vengeance. He woke up screaming again, something he was so happy to have ditched for a night, and ended up crying so hard that everything ached. He saw all of the bad things he was convinced he could have actually been doing outside of a dream, and it made him sick to his stomach.

He jumped up and rushed all the way downstairs and into the bathroom, throwing the door shut behind him. He sank to the floor and wretched out bits of food and a good bit of bile into the toilet, his throat aching from the stomach acid that rose up with everything else. The only thing he ate today was the muffin, and it broke his heart to know that Alex's kindly gesture of bringing him breakfast was put to waste. He panted for a few seconds, gagging a few times and hoping nothing more came out. Once Jack was sure everything that needed to come out was out, he flushed the toilet and cleaned himself up by the sink. Through the mirror, he noticed his eyes were tired, and that he was slowly getting thinner.

Was he dying?

He wandered out to the kitchen and found an untouched bottle of liquor that he remembered buying the day before Alex picked him up. Jack always a taste for the more expensive alcoholic beverages, but he didn't leave the house often enough for it to hurt his wallet anymore. He grabbed it and brought it back upstairs with him, the bottle becoming the only thing he cared about right then. He tore the plastic seal off the top and popped off the cap, taking a swig straight from the source. Here was to another day of being drunk to shut off his relentless mind.

• • • 

He was drunk when his phone went off, ringing and vibrating against the hardwood floor of his bedroom. He lazily opened his eyes and considered smashing it. When he drank he slept okay, something he had forgotten about, but he was still prone to waking up to random noises. He turned off the ringer and threw the phone to another part of the room, burying his face back into his pillow to block out the little bit of light bothering his eyes.

Rian opened his door a few moments later, Jack angrily groaning. "What do you want, Rian?" he snapped, turning his head to the side to see the person disturbing his rest.

"Someone's at the door for you," Rian replied, ignoring the lack of patience in Jack's words. Confused, Jack pushed himself up with his arms and slid his legs over the edge of his mattress. He stood, the room spinning slightly as he lost balance on his feet. Rian watched from the doorway, already smelling the alcohol on Jack's breath before Jack even approached him. As Jack brushed past, the scent was strong and left Rian swatting at the air around him to clear it.

Jack stumbled slightly down the stairs, surprised to see Alex waiting by the entrance to the apartment, arms crossed over his chest. His smile faltered as he spotted Jack and the way the man was clearly having trouble walking in a straight line. Alex rushed over to help him down the stairs, then being pushed off and stumbling slightly himself to regain balance. Jack mumbled something about being able to walk without anyone's help, and Alex stepped back to give him some space.

Once the two were both at the bottom of the stairwell, at eye level, Alex looked Jack up and down. He was in his boxers, a tank top loosely fitting over his skinny figure. "What are you doing here?" Rian could hear the slur in his words even from all the way upstairs. Alex attempted another smile, but it hurt him to look at Jack. He wondered, was it something he did that made Jack get drunk as soon as he got home? It had only been a few hours, but Alex had changed his mind. He had planned on showing up and telling Jack everything, but now his plan was altered once again.

"Uh..." Alex trailed off, reaching to think up an excuse. "Just wanted to make sure you got home safely." He chuckled and avoided Jack's intense glare. He was waiting for Jack to call him out on lying and realize that Alex had dropped him off earlier, that Alex knew he had gotten home safely because he was there, but it seemed as though Jack had forgotten. Alex was glad for that, but he wasn't glad for Jack's current state. "Are you drunk?" he questioned.

"So what if I am?" Jack spat; "Why should you even care?" 

Rian could hear everything, and it reminded him of the very first time Jack came home drunk. He recalled the slamming of the front door and the sound of Jack's lips disconnecting and reconnecting with some random stranger's. The giggles as they both tripped upstairs, and the two moaning once they were alone in Jack's room. Rian hated it, he hated even remembering it, but it felt so distant now. Had Jack been this way for longer than he and Rian both remembered? Rian didn't know Alex, but he wanted something better for him regardless. 

"We've been over this," Alex replied, "I'm your friend, of course I care." He reached for Jack's hand again, the younger man instinctively pulling away.

"I don't have friends."

It stung just a bit, and left Alex standing there as Jack turned to go back upstairs. Alex wanted to stop him, he wanted to hold him and...make sure he never felt the way he clearly did ever again. Instead, he stayed in place as Jack traced his steps back up to the second floor, past Rian and into his room, throwing the door shut behind him. He was tired of Alex acting like he gave a shit, Jack just knew he didn't. Maybe Josh and Zack never cared about him either.

Rian came back down and apologized to Alex, asking for his name in case Alex dared show his face back around Jack. Alex laughed that off. "He's probably just having a rough night," Alex reasoned as Rian walked him to his car outside. Rian shook his head, and Alex furrowed his eyebrows in question.

"You don't know him very well, do you?" It was Alex's turn to shake his head. "He does this a lot. Most nights, I'd say." Hearing that also hurt Alex and he wondered just what made Jack that way. "He's not a bad guy, but I feel like I see what you're doing here."

"You say that like I'm doing something bad." Alex chuckled. "But what do you mean? I'm not 'doing'anything." Lie. Alex knew exactly what he was doing, and he hoped Rian wasn't going to attack him for it. They looked at each other for a second, and Rian began nodding with a laugh.

"You look at him differently. You don't look at me that way," Rian responded. Alex nervously avoided Rian's gaze, that way Rian couldn't use it against him anymore. "Alex, my fiancée used to give me that look. There's just something you need to know about Jack if this is what I think it is."

Alex gulped. He felt like he knew where this was going, and he almost didn't want to hear it. Ever since he started feeling the way he did about Jack, even though it was rather fast for him, he had this fear. "Jack used to, uh," Rian began, awkwardly scratching the back of his neck, "I guess sleep around. He'd bring random people home and...well, you know. He hasn't done it in a long time, but Jack's been weird lately. I'd be careful."

Alex nodded, and despite the warning he was giddy with excitement and happiness. Rian never said Jack would turn Alex down for being male. Alex may have a chance after all.


	12. First Date

Another week of working passed. Jack hated his job more than ever, but quiting wasn't an option and he knew Rian would murder him if he lost it. He began a cycle of getting up and readying himself, going to work, coming home, and getting blasted in his room so that he could sleep decently and then do it all again tomorrow. Somewhere in the mix he took more of Cassadee's Vicodin, but he forced himself to stop out of the fear of being caught. He was lucky Cass wasn't one of those people who counted their medication and kept a close eye on it, hence leaving it out on the dresser and allowing Jack to steal six pills without her realizing. He missed the high, wishing he could be that happy and relaxed all the time. Knowing there was nothing he could do about it, he let it go.

He had been off and on in contact with Alex. Jack couldn't remember that night he was an asshole to him, he was so influenced by the alcohol that he was just saying things he absolutely didn't mean, but Alex never brought it up to remind him. Jack liked Alex and the distraction he brought to boring every day life. Alex would call right as Jack got off work, which he usually attended with a splitting headache and sometimes a bit of vomiting beforehand, and they would talk about their day. Jack tended to hold a lot of things back, but it was nice just hearing Alex's forever raspy voice on the other line. When the conversation ended, Jack would begin drinking and hope no one else tried to contact him.

The weekend came slowly, Saturday being another day just like the rest, and Sunday giving Jack a chance to sit back and not worry about work. Then Alex showed up at the front door unexpected again, Jack only annoyed because he was hoping to spend the day alone, Jack forcing himself out of bed to answer the door. Alex had his crooked smile on display and he laughed as he saw Jack's messy hair that was reminiscent of the morning in the hotel room. He ran a hand through Jack's hair and messed it up, watching as it only fluffed up more. Jack pawed Alex's hand off and rolled his eyes, both of them laughing. "What're you doing here?" Jack questioned with a small smile.

"I have something important to tell you, but before that we're going to the city," Alex replied. "It'll be more fun if you're dressed, though. Maybe take a shower and shave." Jack leaned against the doorway, an unimpressed expression on his face. Did Alex seriously think he was going to drop everything and go out to the city with him? Alex responded to that with a pleading look, his eyes wide and his bottom lip jutting out.

"Fine," Jack said finally, turning to allow Alex into the apartment. "You have to quit springing these things on me," he continued as he shut the door behind Alex who laughed maniacally.

"Oh, Jack, you naïve fool. This is only the beginning."

"Shuddup." 

Jack led the way upstairs and stopped Alex once they reached the closed door to Jack's room. He still had a little bit of his old self left in the way that he didn't want Alex seeing how much of a mess he lived in. The bed was unmade (and ugly regardless); there were a few bottles tucked back in the closet, some empty others strewn out in the open; a few porn magazines were surely somewhere in the room; and his clothes were an absolute eye sore to look at, and they were everywhere. He lived like a teenager with no want for self care. "What?" Alex questioned. "You hiding the body in there or something?"

"I didn't clean is all," Jack replied sheepishly. "Just wait out here, I'll grab some clothes and it'll only take a second." Alex nodded, not wanting to annoy Jack at the very beginning of the day. He had big plans, and he didn't want to spoil them for himself. "Rian and Cass aren't home, you can watch TV in their room if you want," Jack offered as Alex stood in place. With a nod, the older man walked back to the first floor and found Rian and Cass's room through an open door near the kitchen/dining room. He found the television remote and sat on the bed, flipping through channels upon channels of things he'd probably lose brain cells watching while Jack ransacked his own dresser and closet.

He came running back downstairs with a handful of clothes, straight past Alex and into the bathroom. It was the fastest he had moved in a long time, since high school basketball games, and it left him panting slightly as he adjusted the water in the shower. Alex continued on watching his cartoons for a demographic much younger than him as Jack cleaned himself off and tried not to scream from frustration. Sure, he was glad Alex was here, but he didn't enjoy people just showing up and expecting him to be happy. He had to force himself to he happy a lot of the time, and although being with Alex made it easier and less forceful, it didn't mean he was expecting Alex at the door this morning. He'd never tell Alex out of the fear of hurting him or ruining the decent friendship they'd built, but he still felt the way he did and there wasn't any changing it.

He was in and out of the shower quickly, then dressing himself (nearly tripping when shimmying into his jeans) and walking into Rian and Cass's room where Alex was laughing about something he was watching. "Aren't cartoons for kids?" Jack asked, sitting next to Alex, who let out a dramatic gasp.

"Cartoons are a universal art," Alex defended himself. "You are clearly uncultured." Jack laughed.

"Says the guy watching Adventure Time. When are we headed out?" Alex turned the television off and stood, stretching out his back before speaking.

"Now, if you're ready. Bring your wallet."

• • • 

The city beside the small down where Alex and Jack resided was rather nice, but also not much of a city. It had beautiful scenery, the only thing it was really known for, but there was one specific place Alex had in mind when he decided to take Jack out on Jack's day off. It was like a strip mall but more spread out, having different shops on different streets that all had a sort of vintage feeling to them. The atmosphere always made Alex feel rather nostalgiac, even though he had never been there before a year or so back with a few friends. He figured Jack would love it as much as he did if he presented the place well enough, which was exactly his idea.

The drive was relatively short, as was finding and paying for a parking spot, meaning they only had a few hours before they were fined for parking too long. As Jack climbed out of the car, Alex ran around to his side and smiled. "Where do you wanna go first?" he asked, excitement obvious in his voice. Jack gazed around at the few stores in the very front, others he knew they'd have to walk down streets to get to. He the shrugged, leaving the decision up to Alex. "Well, my favorite place is right up here, so we can start there," Alex decided.

Alex's "favorite place" was an antique shop run by two elderly women that kept calling him handsome and asking how old he was, Jack laughing the entire time. Alex was young, just a few months older than Jack, but the two ladies continued pestering him anyway. The shop was full of antique versions of everything, but Alex spent the most time around a little bookshelf in the corner of the main room. There was a whole other room through a curtain to the right, and even more rooms and an entire library downstairs, but Alex liked this bookshelf. He told Jack a lot of the books he owned were only a couple dollars here, but Jack wasn't really much of a reader.

Once they were out of the antique store with Alex buying a few more novels for his collection, they explored further down the street and found an entire back wall of shops similar to the ones in the front. There was one selling old band related T-shirts and incense, Jack sifting through the racks and attempting to find something advertising one of the bands he liked back in the day. He found a shirt with the Blink-182 logo for the "Take Off Your Pants And Jacket" album, showing it to Alex who immediately purchased it without a second thought. 

Jack didn't really get anything himself, but he was perfectly fine with that. He ended up being glad that Alex took him out of the house again. It wasn't that he hated sitting around all day and/or getting drunk, but he didn't really love it either. They were out for nearly two hours when Alex remembered the parking meter and they both ran to it laughing, Alex's plastic bags banging against his legs as they sped down the streets. They piled into the car and Alex pulled out of the spot, still laughing hysterically. "Okay, okay," he said, calming himself down a bit, "we've got one more thing to do. Is there any food you're allergic to?"

Alex drove them to another small area, this one a bit more populated with restaurants and recognizable chain stores. Alex stuffed his bags behind the driver seat and got out, Jack following. Jack looked around at the restaurants in the area after Alex asked him to make a decision on where they should eat. "In-N-Out-Burger, for sure," Jack chose. Alex giggled, and it was the first time Jack felt any sense of the feelings Alex had been having the entire time they were out. It made him uncomfortable...as he had never felt that way before.

"You can pick anywhere, I won't hate you if you choose something expensive," Alex replied.

"No, I like In-N-Out-Burger, Alex." 

Alex laughed again. "In-N-Out-Burger it is." He pulled up into the drive thru and looked to Jack, prompting him for an order. Once they were finished and had their food, Alex steered them over to an empty parking spot. He sorted through the bag, digging out Jack's food and handing it to him, then taking out his own and holding it in his lap. Jack noticed something he hadn't before then. There was a tattoo on Alex's left hand, a colored rose with writing to the side, the entire thing looking to be a tiny bit faded.

"Your tattoo," he said, pointing a finger to Alex's hands, "is there a meaning behind it?" Alex froze, mid bite into his burger. His eyes moved to Jack, who was nervously staring right back. Did he say something wrong? "I'm sorry it just--"

"No, don't apologize," Alex cut him off. He swallowed down what food he had in his mouth and set his burger down. "It's kind of a boring story. Personal, too." He looked at the tattoo on his hand, and the expression he made was similar to someone being quite literally stabbed in the heart. "I'll tell you another time, just..not right now, okay?" His eyes were glossy when he looked back up to Jack for confirmation, the younger man nodding in return. 

Alex turned on the radio to stop them from sitting in silence. The first song that played Jack could have sworn he knew from the first few notes, and it had Alex laughing and happy again. He reminded Jack that it was one of the songs Waterparks played live, and so Jack had a name to place with the song. The rest of the time they simply enjoyed the music and each other's company, before Alex finally pushed down his fear and turned to the younger man sitting beside him. "I don't know how to say this, I mean, it's not something I do often," the words fumbled out like word vomit, and he didn't know what the hell he was doing.

"Mhm," Jack mumbled, slightly amused by how strange Alex was acting under the pressure of his own mind; "continue."

"I just-- I don't know, I like you." Jack leaned in slightly to listen better. Alex nervously scratched at the back of his arm, avoiding Jack's eyes. "You're fun to be around, and you just...make me feel good. I don't know how to even say it." He laughed to himself, but it was without any humor. "Will you be my boyfriend?"

Jack didn't know what it was supposed to feel like. Was he supposed to be surprised? Happy? He was so numb to everything that he just couldn't feel. Alex was staring at him, and he felt this odd pressure that formed a lump in his throat. If he said no, would something bad happen? Would Alex hate him? What if he said yes, and his first relationship was nothing like he ever expected?

"Ye-yes."


	13. Lullabies

Things had changed, yet some things remained the same.

Alex was ecstatic every second he spent with Jack, including every time he was able to get a hold of his boyfriend through calling or texting, usually after Jack's work shift and on the weekends. But Jack seemed the same. He thought that maybe saying yes to Alex would have helped, maybe he was just lonely and needed someone, but things just didn't feel different to the poor man. Alex never noticed, too busy being high off the love and appreciation he felt, mostly because Jack was so good at hiding it. Sure, when he was around Alex, he was genuinely happy and willing to exist, but the second he was home again a bottle was in his hand.

Rian and Cass took note of him going out more and both breathed a sigh of relief. Rian had honestly begun to worry, Cass even suggesting that they admit him for some kind of therapy at one point. Rian knew Alex now, nodding to him with a smile any time the two crossed paths. He was a nice guy, Jack just couldn't stand people he thought were pretending to care. It was strange that he didn't feel the same about Alex, but it may have been from Alex genuinely proving how much he cared.

Jack avoided getting caught drinking, he squeezed his way out of suspicions and continued to drink himself practically death up in his room nearly every night. He couldn't understand why Alex didn't fill the void that he continued to feel, so he just drank it away instead. Or, he managed to hide it for a while, a month at least, before Alex finally chose the worst moment to show up. He barged in with a smile, but was severely heartbroken once he saw what was happening.

"Jack," he breathed, "what are you doing?" Jack held out his whiskey and smiled, sitting on the floor with his back against the mattress. His glasses were on the floor beside him, tossed to the side and simply forgotten. Alex sat on his knees across from the younger man and looked him straight in the eye. "What are you doing?" he repeated.

"Drinking, obviously," Jack spat, raising his arm to take another swig before being stopped by Alex. "Hey, fuck off. I spent my money on this." He burped and it stung his throat. Alex tore the bottle from his grip and held it back behind him, Jack not even bothering to attempt and retrieve it. "Fuck you, you suck," Jack said angrily, wiping at his eyes with his unwashed hands.

"Why are you drinking?" 

Jack sat there for a minute. He didn't know anything other than drinking. It helped him sleep, it helped him forget, it helped him just feel like he wasn't himself anymore, all things he relied on to be alive at this point. " 'Cause I wanna," he replied. "Give me back my shit." Alex shook his head, watching Jack's every move. The younger man didn't bother moving, instead letting out an angry grunt and turning his head away from Alex. Alex reached out a hand and grabbed Jack's jaw, forcing their lines of vision to reconnect. "Get off," Jack growled, attempting to remove Alex's hand.

"Jack you have to listen to me. This cannot continue," Alex began in a soft tone. He was being patient, hating that this all brought him the most horrible sense of familiarity. He took a deep breath, forcing back tears and continuing. "I care about you, and this shit isn't going to solve anything." He released Jack and sat back slightly, furrowing his eyebrows together and attempting to figure out his enigma of a significant other. "We'll talk about this tomorrow, when you're sober. You should get some sleep," he said finally.

He grabbed Jack's glasses as he stood, helping the latter up with one hand and holding the glasses in his other. He walked them over to the dresser, seeing his business card and chuckling quietly. Jack still had it. He carefully set the spectacles down atop the card (the whiskey beside it) and rushed back over to Jack, helping him into the bed despite Jack's arguments. Alex watched as Jack drunkenly fiddled with his bed sheet, attempting to figure out how to get it to stay on both his chest and his feet, eventually giving up and letting his feet just stick out the bottom. Alex climbed in next to him without much of a second thought.

"I'll be right here when you wake up" was the last thing Jack heard as his eyelids were forced together from a previous lack of energy. Alex sat awake beside him, staring at the ceiling and attempting to untie the knots in his mind. There were things he clearly didn't know about Jack. He felt like he brought things on too fast, something he feared he was going to do. They'd been together for a month or so, keeping in contact nearly every day, but he felt like their relationship was stuck in place. He passed out over thinking in Jack's bed.

Alex was the first to wake when the sun rose, his circadian rhythm keeping itself in check. Jack was snoring as Alex stood and began looking around the room. He saw now why Jack prevented him from entering the night they got together; there were empty bottles thrown carelessly into the closet, piling out through the open door, as well as a heap of dirty clothing. He wanted to break down in tears looking at it all, he wanted to punch a wall and scream. He didn't want to go through that again. He couldn't let Jack keep this going.

As if on cue Jack rolled over and nearly screamed upon seeing someone standing in his room. "Rian?" he questioned, squinting at the figure. Alex laughed and passed Jack his glasses, the younger sliding them on and getting a better look. "Oh, Alex. What're you doing here?" he asked before sitting up and stretching. He clearly moved too fast, as it left his temples pounding. Ignoring the pain, he watched Alex step closer and sit beside him on the bed. "How did you get in?"

"Rian let me in last night." Jack then noticed the bed-head and clear imprint from Jack's mattress on Alex's face, letting out a small giggle. "Yeah, haha, laugh it up," Alex said rolling his eyes. "We need to talk." Jack's laughing immediately ceased. He didn't want to know what he may have done in his drunken state last night. Things would have been easier if Alex kept a distance when Jack was in the midst of his alone time.

"About what?" Jack questioned, nearly playing dumb. If he danced around it enough, there was a chance Alex simply wouldn't confront him.

"You remember when I told you I'd explain my rose tattoo? The one on my hand?" Alex held up his hand, the beautiful ink work on the back appearing dark in Jack's unlit room. Jack nodded. "And do you remember the time you asked why I cared about you, and I sort sort of just danced around answering you?" Jack nodded again. "Well, they run hand-in-hand, and now that we're together I may as well be honest with you," Alex explained quietly. Jack had never heard or seen him so serious. Alex had always said being normal wasn't an interest of his, making this mellow state of his very out of place.

"When I was really young, I had a couple sisters and a brother that I lived with. My brother was a bit older than me, and we were only halfway related, but he was one of the people that really motivated me back then. When we moved to the States from England, he helped me through my sexuality, being the only person I ever really spoke to about being gay. I trusted him wholeheartedly, like a dog and its master. But there was a lot of arguing and...things that happened around that time. I don't know if anyone was really too happy besides me and my kid sister. The person I think who roughed it out the most was my brother, though.

"He fought with my parents non-stop, and it was the first time I ever saw something like that. He was an adult then, and I still to this day wonder what he was so angry about. What got so under his skin that he -- he--" Alex paused and took a deep breath. Jack could see how shaky it was, like Alex was going to begin hyperventilating. After a second, he continued. "Tom had an alcohol problem. He was so young, I just -- fuck, man." Alex wiped a single tear that had slipped out, struggling to finish the story and make Jack understand why it all hurt so bad.

"He killed himself, Jack."

The words felt like knives to Jack's heart, piercing it and leaving him to bleed out in the pain he felt for Alex. He wanted to comfort Alex, but he just didn't know how. He attempted to pull him in for a hug, being rejected and pushed off, Alex mumbling something about not wanting sympathy. "I'm so sorry, Alex." Jack's voice was small, it had been caught in his throat for so long. "I never--"

"Do you understand now?"

"I-- what?"

"Do you understand why I care so much? Why I'm so persistent? Why I can't just let you sit here and end up like Tom?"

Jack was speechless, not wanting to upset Alex further. He just nodded, and Alex's eyes shifted to the hardwood floor. "Alex," Jack began, not even sure where he was going with it, "I won't end up like that." Alex scoffed, shaking his head and looking back up to Jack. Jack felt as though he said the wrong thing.

"People always say things like that, but it's hard to keep yourself from doing things you're familiar with." Alex wiped at his eyes again and let out a long sigh. "It's a journey, kind of like the beginning of a path, and you want to reach the end of that path -- which in this case is sobriety," he continued. He stuck his hand back up and Jack looked at it more closely, reading the bold lettering near Alex's thumb. Alex saw him and further explained the tattoo. "That's what the rose is. You start at the middle and wind your way out and become more aware of the world around you.

"Tom passed when I was just a kid, but I got it dedicated to him. Those are his initials," Alex pointed out the lettering. "And after I got the tattoo, I looked up the signs of people suffering from things like Tom was, depression and alcohol addiction mostly. And you-- you worry me, Jack." 

They stared at each other for a solid minute before anyone said a word. "I just don't want to talk about it," Jack spoke quietly. "I'm not used to someone keeping on me like this. I'm not used to this at all," he continued, making a hand motion where he circled a hand above his and Alex's legs. "I see why you care now, obviously, but I just can't get used to it."

Alex grabbed hold of Jack's hand, interlocking their fingers with a small smile. "You will, I assure you," he whispered. "You aren't alone, Jack. I'm here now. That doesn't mean you should rely on me for all of your happiness and joy, but I'll always be here to help you." The two were facing each other, their faces close and knees touching. Jack still couldn't wrap his head around everything, why Alex thought he had a problem. He wasn't Tom, but it was almost like Alex saw him that way. He smiled nonetheless and gave a short nod.

"I hate to be the one to do this, but you should probably get going. I have work, and I'm sure you've got things to do," Jack said after a moment. Alex sighed and sat back, gnawing on his lip. "We can talk after my shift. You'll survive," Jack teased, chuckling quietly. Alex smirked, but brought back the serious tone as he spoke.

"Yeah, yeah. I need you to promise me something, though." Jack raised an eyebrow in question. "Promise me you won't get drunk tonight. Just tonight, and we'll figure out what to do from there later."

"I promise."


	14. Be Who You Are

Their first kiss was rather delayed, but it was the first time in the entire relationship that Jack felt something.

Alex had invited him over, giving Jack his address and saying it was a very short walk -- Jack's first impression of how Alex lived. He had never seen Alex's home before then, and he wasn't quite sure what to expect when Alex opened the front door to drag him inside. The kitchen and living room were both small, separated by a wall that didn't stretch across the entire house to allow an entrance into the kitchen. There was a large bookcase faced by a brown couch and a reclining chair of the same color, the three objects all sitting in front of a large window. The bathroom was behind the living room, and the bedroom behind that, making the house look as though it was shaped like a square.

Jack entered and closed the door behind him, nervously kicking his shoes off and setting them to the side. His socks were mismatched, something unintentional that Alex found rather charming. "You cook?" Jack questioned as the two approached the kitchen, Jack sliding into a seat at the dining table and Alex returning to his pot on the stove. Alex nodded with a laugh.

"A little. My parents are much better," he confessed. He dumped the pasta from the pot into a strainer in the sink, Jack watching his every move curiously. "See, it's just spaghetti. Easy stuff." He turned both burners he was using off and moved the other pot containing a tomato based sauce to a cooler burner. He checked the oven, making sure his bread hadn't burned while he focused on other things. 

"Easier than mac and cheese?"

"That's debatable."

Alex turned around and grinned at his boyfriend, stepping over to the table and sitting down beside him. He took Jack's hand under the table, glad to see him cleaned up and sober. Jack hadn't been having the easiest time getting on his feet, still continuing to drink nearly every day he had the chance. He would get sick to his stomach and drench the bed in sweat during his terrors if he didn't get intoxicated, but Alex knew nothing about any of that. He didn't know about what Jack dealt with, he had never been informed. Jack never told Alex out of the fear of disappointing him or appearing weak, and so he just kept everything to himself.

Regardless, Alex was proud of Jack's apparent progress. Not every night was hellish anymore. Sometimes Jack fell asleep to the sound of Alex singing to him over the phone, something that brought him a bit more comfort in his dreams. Rarely would he sleep so soundly through the night, but it happened maybe once or twice. The first time was mearly a coincidence, Alex deciding to work on a single he had been writing the past few days while Jack's tired eyes practically shut themselves. It was blissful, and Jack woke the next morning not even realizing he had fallen asleep to begin with. The second time he requested for Alex to sing, saying it made him feel closer to Alex.

So Alex had obliged, grabbing his guitar and serenading Jack to sleep for a few nights. 

"What's the name of that song you sang the other night?" Jack questioned curiously. Alex ran the tips of his forefinger and thumb slowly across the scruff on his chin and thought back to a few nights ago. "Something about taking away the summer. I like it a lot."

Alex chuckled. "That's my song, Jack. It doesn't have a name yet."

"Oh." 

Grinning, Alex rose from the table again to do another check on his bread, carefully removing the pan with oven mitts and placing it on a counter. He moved each individual slice of garlic bread onto a small plate and then returned the pan to the oven, making sure everything was shut off and cooling down. "Food's done if you're hungry," he said, removing the mitts and hanging them on a small rack above the stove. Jack nodded.

"I can't even remember the last time I had a home cooked meal," he said as Alex began dishing out a couple plates of pasta for the both of them. He placed a piece of bread on top of each pool of noodles and sauce, setting the plates down on the table and taking a seat beside Jack.

"I'm guessing you never learned how to cook," Alex commented, begin to spin a bit of the pasta on his fork until it was just a clump. Jack shook his head.

"I learned, I just don't do it." He began mirroring Alex's actions and took a bit of his own food. It was damn good, leaving his mouth watering, and also burning slightly from the heat. He quickly swallowed it down and was left gaping like a fish trying to cool his mouth down a bit. Alex laughed before rushing to the fridge and handing him a water bottle, Jack gladly chugging down a couple sips and wiping away the excess liquid from his top lip. "Yeah, it's been a while."

They ate in relative silence, but it was comfortable. Jack felt good about not spending the day alone, even if his stomach ached for alcohol and his mind continued to fill with bad thoughts that he'd flush down with a smile to Alex who would always smile right back. He wouldn't say he was happy, but for a moment there, he wasn't depressed. Once their plates were empty and their stomachs were full, Alex put the dishes in the sink and pointed to the living room, telling Jack he could watch something on the television if he so desired to.

Jack sat on the couch and fiddled with his thumbs, not particularly wanting to watch anything. Alex came out and sat facing towards him, their knees touching and hands close. He was staring at Jack, unsure of what to say. Usually he had something, a quip or maybe even just a compliment, but this time around he was genuinely drawing a blank. He broke the silence with an odd question, eyes shifting to avoid Jack as he pushed his hair out of his face. "Can I kiss you?"

Jack wasn't sure how these things were supposed to work, but he was about ninety-nine percent sure you don't ask permission on the first kiss, you just do it. That's what he had gathered from the shitty rom-coms he used to watch with Josh when they were drunk (which are much more entertaining, they had decided, when you're intoxicated). So Jack did the only thing he could think of doing and pressed his lips to Alex's instead of giving a normal reply because that felt so alien to him, but so did all of this. It felt good, like it meant something, like Jack wasn't alone anymore and he could let someone in.

It might have been the best decision he had ever made.

• • • 

Jack was jobless shortly thereafter. He didn't understand why this occurrence hadn't happened sometime sooner, but he surely wasn't pleased with it happening at all. Rian would have his ass if he couldn't pay his half of rent and bills, which was the only thing Jack thought about as he searched feverishly for a new place to work. He found a restaurant hiring with minimum wage pay and practically no benefits, but it was the best chance he had at working again. Alex drove him there, smiling as Jack slid out of the car and approached the building.

He held his resume that was bare of anything but a high school diploma and his previous job in his shaking hand, pulling the entrance door open with the other. He nervously approached the counter where he was prompted for an order with a smile from a man with dark hair tucked beneath a hat with the restaurant's logo slapped on it. "Actually I'm here for an interview," Jack said quietly. "With...Hayley, I believe." The worker nodded and told Jack to wait a moment before rushing off to the back where people were throwing together cheap sandwiches. He was quickly out of Jack's line of sight, which is when the latter let out a deep breath he hadn't realized he had been holding in.

A woman with platinum, shoulder length hair came bounding up within a few seconds, bearing a large smile and reaching out a hand for Jack to shake, Jack quickly obliging. She brought him to an area beside the restrooms, the employee break room as she said. There were a couple chairs sitting just in front of a wall with wallpaper that had begun peeling, and Hayley almost wished the staff cared enough to fix the place up. Truth be told, no one used this room for anything, and she genuinely didn't understand why they even had one. She grabbed one of the chairs and faced it opposite of the other, taking her seat and pointing Jack to his. Jack sat and watched her click away on a pen in her hand, scribbling it on a clipboard to see if it still functioned.

"Sorry for the informality of all this," she apologized, brushing her bangs back slightly. "You honestly can't expect much from a local burger joint that can't even put Burger King to shame."

Jack chuckled, earning a small smile from Hayley. Nobody ever laughed at her sarcastic comments. "It's alright. I just hope I still have a chance of being hired."

"For sure. Let's see that resume, boy." Jack sheepishly handed it over, Hayley scanning it quickly and nodding. "Well, it's not the most impressive thing I've ever seen, but we really don't have any requirements. At least you know how to write a resume." She laughed and returned the measly paper. 

"I really need this," Jack said, deciding on playing whatever card he could to get some sympathy and, in turn, this job. "I got fired from a place I've been with since high school without any good reason." Hayley frowned and sat back in her seat slightly. She wasn't aware of how well Jack could lie. He had good intentions, but it wasn't like he was some kind of saint that did no wrong. 

"I can put in a good word with my manager," Hayley replied sympathetically. Jack was confused, as he had been led to believe that Hayley was the manager. "He'll usually let anyone that isn't on drugs work if we need employment. He will drug test you though," she continued. It wasn't until then that she noticed the bags dwelling under Jack's eyes, and the way he chewed on his lips, peeling the dry skin off and leaving red marks. "You're not on drugs, are you?"

"No," Jack responded honestly. "No medication either, if you care about health."

Hayley nodded. "Then I guess you're a shoe-in." She gave another bright smile, something that Jack reflected. He missed smiling without forcing it upon himself. The only time he ever did that anymore was when he was with Alex. "I'll be sure to praise you thoroughly next time I see Taylor." He was ushered out after that, Hayley waving him off with a smile and saying they'd call the cell phone number he provided if he got the job.

Jack was back in Alex's car in seconds, Alex grabbing hold of his hand and asking how it went. "Pretty well, I think," Jack replied with a small grin. "The people there seem nice enough."

Alex nodded and leaned forward to place a quick kiss to Jack's cheek before turning to the wheel and pulling out of the parking lot. He had been trying to get closer with Jack, but even now the latter just seemed like a brick wall with little to say. Jack joked around a bit more, yet Alex wasn't entirely sure if that was really a step in the right direction. He would prefer for Jack to actually talk with him in a serious matter, but so far that hadn't happened. He was glad Jack seemed to be doing better with whatever he had been battling, even if it was only on the surface. If Jack didn't want to talk, so be it, Alex would suck it up and move on.

So Alex dropped Jack off back at the apartment, Jack proceeding to get drunk because he felt physically ill from the lack of alcohol in his system. And for the first time, he pondered on the possibility of him having a problem. It was definitely possible.


	15. Monster

At some point, Alex had sat Jack down to have a serious discussion that Jack had been attempting to worm his way out of for the longest time. He dug out Jack's cell phone and placed it into the latter's hand with a stone cold expression. He already told Jack what he was hoping would happen today, and Jack already whined and said it didn't matter anyway. Clearly, it mattered, something he finally put together once he picked up on Alex's actions. Jack stared at the phone in the palm of his hand and took a deep breath. "You can do it," Alex offered quietly.

Jack unlocked the phone and began scrolling through his contacts -- not that he had very many, but the name he was looking for began with the last letter of the alphabet, and thus is was at the bottom of his list. He opened the contact and stared at the call prompt that was illustrated with a green rotary phone, and he wondered if it was worth listening to Alex. He was always saying he knew what was best for Jack, as his boyfriend, but Jack was never so sure about it. Especially considering how much he was able to hide from Alex.

Eventually the call was put through, and with a shaking hand Jack turned on the speaker phone setting, holding the phone between him and Alex. There was a moment where Jack held his breath, silently praying that no one picked up. To Jack's disappointment, a familiar voice came through seconds later. "Hello?"

He took a few deep breaths before replying. "Hey, Zack. Uh, it's Jack." Alex gave a small nod, encouraging Jack to continue. "I know we haven't spoken in a while but maybe we should talk. In person. We should talk." Jack wanted to punch himself in the face. He was making such a fool of himself, he could just feel it. Alex's smiling face didn't make him feel any better, which meant Alex's intentions were failing.

"Yeah, sure," Zack responded. "When are you available? We could go get coffee or something." Jack couldn't even remember the last time he drank coffee. It used to make him even more hyper than usual, but he stopped drinking it due to the stomachache caffeine suddenly gave him out of nowhere. He had to give up energy drinks too, but that was probably good for his health in the long run anyway.

"Any time." He had been working part time at the new job, and his schedule was very fluid. Whatever day Zack decided, he could just request to be scheduled for a different one.

"Well I'm with a client right now." There was a pause, and Alex's thick eyebrows rose at the word "client". He wondered what Jack's friends did for a living. "Maybe tomorrow?" 

Jack agreed, then the two proceeded to establish a time and place to meet. There was a quick exchange of goodbyes and a bit of Alex saying how much easier that was than Jack was acting like it was going to be. Jack rolled his eyes, making Alex chuckle, as he called the other contact Alex wanted him to speak with. It rang for awhile before the voicemail message came through, Jack clearing his throat prior to beginning his statement.

"Hey, Josh. It's, uh, it's Jack." He paused and looked to Alex who was giving a thumbs up with a bright smile. "We should talk sometime. I'm, uh, really sorry about everything. I need to clear some things up. I'm sorry it took so long. Uh, call back when you can." He hung up and swallowed down the saliva that had been building up in his mouth. Alex could practically feel Jack's heart beating a mile a minute, and he leaned forward to pull Jack in for a hug.

"You should never cut people off like that," he said quietly in Jack's ear. "They love you."

"Yeah."

Alex released him and smiled again. He could stare at Jack for hours, something Jack realized once Alex's gaze refused to falter. "I'll drive you home," he finally said, reaching over to the coffee table and grabbing hold of his jacket. The air had begun to cool down not too long ago, and Alex had always been sensitive to the colder temperatures. Jack held out a hand to stop Alex, who turned back curiously.

"You don't have to," Jack said in a soft tone.

"You're not walking home in this weather, babe." Alex chuckled and began sliding his jacket on, one side at a time. 

"Can I just--" Jack paused, rubbing the back of his neck with a sweaty hand. Alex just stared, wondering what exactly Jack was doing. "Can I stay?"

There was a brief silence, the two men looking to each other and breathing in a shallow manner. Alex was nervous about saying yes, even though that was the only thing he wanted to do. He had an immense fear of doing something wrong and hurting Jack somehow, or just ruining this entire thing they had going for them. He didn't want Jack to be alone, but sometimes he was afraid of being the one Jack was with. With a slight feeling of doubt, he nodded and removed his jacket.

They simply looked at each other again. This was Jack's chance, he could tell Alex everything. He could come clean about the drinking, the Vicodin, the lack of a will to live -- but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He was just as, if not more, afraid as Alex was of their relationship. He refused to say anything, he didn't want Alex to leave. Jack wanted to be there with him forever. He wanted to stop everything else and just sit on Alex's couch for the rest of his life.

Jack almost hated Alex for forcing him back into friendship with his friends, but he was more so thankful. He never would have done that himself. He decided there was no better way to thank Alex than to push their lips together without anticipation, immediately slipping into a rhythm. It had been the longest time since he enforced kissing someone himself, and god did it feel good. This was more full of feeling anyway, much more so than all of the random people he kissed when he was drunk and just trying to get a cheap fuck.

He appreciated the way Alex gently laid back and pulled Jack with him, Alex wrapping their legs together and holding Jack's face close. Jack nearly bit Alex's tongue when his phone went off, the two of them jolting up slightly when they heard the ringtone. Alex laughed as Jack sat on his lap and gave a breathy answer without checking the ID. "Hello?"

"Jack? This is Josh. Sorry I couldn't get to the phone earlier, I--"

"No, it's fine," Jack cut him off quickly. "We really should talk sometime, just not right now." Alex couldn't stop himself from laughing again, Jack shushing him in reply. "We should, maybe, hang out sometime. There's stuff I need to tell you."

"Yeah. Okay," Josh agreed. "I'll call again tomorrow, when you're less...busy." He heard Alex laughing and assumed he knew exactly what was going on, but he would give Jack the benefit of the doubt regardless. He was just glad to hear Jack's voice and know he wasn't dead.

"Okay, bye." Jack hung up and looked to Alex who was sporting the dumbest smile Jack had ever seen. "What?" Jack questioned, tossing his phone over to the coffee table.

Alex snorted and grabbed Jack's hands in his. "Whoever that was, they totally thought you were getting laid," Alex giggled. Jack rolled his eyes with a grin. "It was Josh, wasn't it?"

"Oh, yeah." Alex laughed again, covering his mouth with his hand and sitting up a bit more. 

"You're a dork," Alex replied. "Let's find something to eat."

• • • 

The next morning came quickly, Alex rising with the sun and smiling when he remembered he had Jack laying beside him. He could feel Jack's arm draped over his chest under the covers, his head smudged against Alex's shoulder. He picked Jack's arm off and stood, stretching and yawning in preparation for the day. He was going to wake Jack up soon enough, but for now he would let the tired man enjoy his rest. Alex didn't know how little he already got.

Alex wandered to his closet and then to the bathroom, dressing himself and grabbing his keys. He was planning on dropping Jack off with Zack so that the two could finally speak with each other again, and then going over to Otto's apartment to work on some music himself. Jack had told him some things earlier, the whole reason Alex was bothering to repair the friendships Jack seemed to toss aside. The latter didn't mean to say anything about it, it more or less just slipped out when they were exchanging stories about their younger years. Jack said something about Josh and how he almost wished he wasn't so stupid when he was in his teens, Alex laughing along to every stupid memory that was recollected. 

Soon after Jack let it slide that he got drunk and argued with Josh at the steak house, a surprise to Alex who pressed him for more information, but to no avail. He then pestered Jack, saying he should call his friend and repair things, Jack continuing to refuse over and over. At least until it finally got through to him that Alex genuinely wanted this for him. Once he agreed, he also agreed to calling Zack, especially considering how much he missed Zack's company.

Alex smiled thinking about what good he did, and from just plain thinking about Jack. Sure, there were other guys he had been with that he thought would last forever, but Jack felt special. Alex couldn't describe it, the way he felt, but he knew there was something different about Jack from the moment they met in the steak house. Alex would never let go of that memory, albeit an odd one.

Jack awoke a few minutes into Alex's lingering in the room, the latter unsure of what to do with himself. He was scared at first from waking up in an unfamiliar area, but he quickly realized where he was and what he was doing there. Alex grinned. "Morning, sunshine."

"G'morning," Jack mumbled, wiping the sleep from his eyes, incredibly thankful for his ability to sleep well last night. Alex wanted to walk over and kiss him, but the morning breath they shared and a fear of doing something wrong held him back, and he instead pointed to the bathroom.

"Do whatever you can in there, then I'll take you home for clean clothes and stuff." Jack nodded, slipping the bedsheets off and sitting himself up in the bed. "Text your friend and ask when and where he wants to meet. I'll drop you off," Alex finished. He rushed to the bathroom and returned with a towel, throwing it to Jack who was able to catch it despite the lack of energy he had at the moment. "Ándale muchacho."

Zack's choice of meeting place was one Jack never wanted to step foot in again, yet there he was, opening the door and walking straight inside after being wished luck from his boyfriend. Nothing bad really happened there, the barista royally messed up his order the one time he had stopped in before work. It was a locally owned cafe, one of those places where hipsters come to read, sip coffee, and eat vegan platters of food. Not the kind of place Jack expected Zack to request meeting at, but he supposed it would have to do.

Alex was nervous driving away, almost wanting to go inside with Jack and make sure everything went well. Alas, he pulled himself away and found his way to Otto's in one piece while Jack was left to face Zack alone. Not that Zack was the one he hurt, he sort of simply stopped talking to Zack, ignoring even. It wasn't the same as how he treated Josh, but he still sucked either way. He was fully aware of that. 

Zack was waiting when Jack arrived, smiling and waving the latter over with a muscular arm that had recently been tattooed over. Jack rushed over and took a seat, not bothering to go order anything at the counter. The tables were round, as were the chairs, a bit like someone would find out on a patio. They were a bit uncomfortable and reminded Jack of sweet tea for an unexplainable reason. He and Zack simply looked at each other for a moment before either spoke. 

"Hey," Zack said.

"Hey."

"You said we should talk." Jack nodded. "So...what do you wanna talk about?" Zack sipped from a straw sticking out of his clear plastic cup that was full of what Jack assumed to be water. He remembered that Zack was always a bit of a health freak, the only reason he never drank or smoked weed with the other two when they were younger. Some things just don't change.

"Not to seem selfish, but me, actually." Jack chuckled nervously and played with the hem of his shirt under the table. "I don't even know how to explain any of it. I don't really want to tell you, even, but I know it's the right thing to do." Zack continued sipping his water, nodding. "I've been having some issues lately. I pushed everyone away. I'm trying to get back into the swing of things so that I don't stay that way forever." It wasn't the best explanation, but it got Jack's point across without him having to share any explicit details. 

"Oh." Zack bit his lip before continuing. "What do you mean by issues? Like, financial problems or something?" It was obvious that Jack would have to say more than he initially expected.

"No, not really. I just--" he paused to think of a proper wording for everything. How could he explain any of this to Zack without looking like an idiot? "I don't know, man. I've been drinking a lot and stuff. Arguing with people when I shouldn't be. I don't know."

"You should stop drinking."

"No shit." Jack gave a humorless chuckle and rubbed at his tired eyes. "Look, I just want to make things right again. I feel bad about ignoring your calls and...everything. I don't want to keep pushing everything away. I feel like a monster. I've been under so much stress lately, but I'm doing it all to myself. Zack, I don't know what's wrong with me." 

Everything came out so fast, things Jack never wanted to speak of, and he honestly believed Zack saw him as this weak little infant that couldn't handle living on his own. In reality, Zack thought nothing like that, reaching out a hand and rubbing Jack's shoulder with a sympathetic smile. "It's alright," he said quietly. "Just-- why didn't you say anything sooner? Me and Josh have been worried sick."

"I feel like everyone is going to turn their back on me if I'm honest with them."

Zack shook his head and released Jack's shoulder. "We wouldn't do that. Never." He was smiling in an attempt to make Jack's spirits rise, but Jack still wasn't so sure. "Josh told me you called last night. If you want, I can tell him what you said."

"I'm supposed to call him later," Jack admitted; "I have to talk to him at some point." Zack nodded in understanding before giving a small sigh.

"Do you want something to drink? Maybe a smoothie? They have a bunch of fruity stuff here."

Jack smiled. "I'd love that."


	16. Grudges

The first thing Josh did once he saw Jack was pull him in for the most suffocating hug of Jack's entire life-- and this was even after all the times he swore Alex had nearly broken his rib cage from gripping onto Jack so tightly, which really said something. Jack was almost expecting Josh to slap him, or maybe stomp on Jack's toes with the heel of his combat boots, so it was an understatement to say Jack was pleasantly surprised. He wondered why Josh lingered on that hug for so long, not understanding the emotional torture he had put what had been his closest friend through by practically dropping off the face of the earth. Josh sighed into his neck and nearly began sobbing, instead holding back his emotions as a way of keeping himself from making this weirder than it had to be.

Jack was eventually released, Josh hanging onto Jack's shoulders and examining his tired face. Jack hadn't bothered shaving or even trimming up his facial hair in the longest time, leaving uneven hairs sprouting out around his lips and along his jaw. Josh was almost compelled to laugh, but it also broke his heart in the strangest way possible. Jack stared back at his English friend, hating the way Josh looked to him with such a saddened expression. He supposed this must be the time for him to clear some things up and explain the dark circles under his eyes, the untamed hair, and the entire MIA thing he nearly pulled off.

"So," Jack began quietly, eyes shifting to the carpet being scrunched under his shoes, "you gonna invite me in?" It was the sense of humor he hadn't communicated with anyone lately (aside from Alex) that shocked Josh the most. They had both missed it, Jack missing the way he could make anyone laugh until their sides hurt, and Josh missing Jack's voice entirely. Josh almost felt obsessive, like he was holding onto this moment as if he hadn't seen Jack in years, but it truly felt that way to him. Josh let himself chuckle, nodding and holding open the door to his apartment a bit wider so Jack could enter the room.

Jack sat at the dining table, Josh rushing over to the kitchen and pouring Jack a glass of ice water. He placed the glace down on the table and then sat himself down, prompting Jack to say something with the look in his eyes. "I've got some explaining to do, huh?" Josh nodded and Jack wet his lips with the tip of his tongue in preparation. "Where do I even begin?"

"What happened that night, man? When I took you out for dinner," Josh suggested, his eyebrows furrowed and forming wrinkles across his forehead. Jack took a deep breath and stared at the ice floating around in his water. He knew he had to explain himself at some point, but when it came down to it, he really didn't have the desire to.

"It's hard for me to explain," Jack admitted with a sigh. "It was like one day I woke up, and I was depressed. Then the next day I was depressed, and it just keep going on day after day. After a while, I got fucking tired of it-- 'cause no one wants to be that sad, you know?" He paused, risking a glance at Josh who was nodding slowly. "Drinking helped. I didn't even want to go with you, I didn't want to be around anyone. I talked to Zack a bit and he didn't even notice."

"I hate to interrupt," Josh cut in apologetically, "but you can't expect Zack to notice anything that isn't obvious. I didn't know anything was wrong until later that night. Even then, I didn't know what was wrong."

"Now you do," Jack replied quietly. He suddenly felt ashamed of his past actions, wishing he could go back into the past and stop himself from drinking that night. He felt some degree of guilt about it, but it was ten times worse this time around. "I was angry then. Angry at you, at Zack, at Rian, mostly at myself." Jack rubbed his temples to attempt and tame the massive headache he could feel surfacing. He hated this. "I still don't know what's wrong, Josh. It doesn't make any sense."

"It's alright," Josh said, reaching forward and placing his hand over Jack's. It was a simple and comforting gesture, one that Jack greatly appreciated. "Are you doing any better since then? You seem more...in touch today."

Jack was glad to shift the conversation with a nod. "More or less. I'm even in a relationship now. Which, you know me, I'm not one for that sort of scene." Jack chuckled and was elated to see Josh's mood change with his. He didn't want to depress Josh or make him feel bad about anything, it wasn't like any of this was his fault. If anything, he was another victim.

"Who's the lucky lady?" Josh teased, leaning forward and grinning.

"Not a lady, actually."

"Oh." There was a momentary silence. "Then who's the lucky guy?" Jack was thankful that Josh didn't dwell on the gender subject any longer than necessary. Josh nearly forgot that Jack used to sleep with anything that moved, male or female. Not that Jack and Alex's relationship was very sexual, the two hadn't reached that point just yet, and they were both content with waiting.

"His name is Alex. He's a musician or something." Josh nodded, not recognizing the name or job description. "He actually used to work at that steak house we made a scene at," Jack continued with a chuckle. "If it weren't for that, I never would have met him. It's kinda funny, too, because he's the one that convinced me to suck it up and apologize for everything." The irony was both amusing and odd. "I actually like him quite a bit."

"Loneliness is a silent killer." Jack made a contemplative expression and then gave a small nod of agreement. "Maybe having someone you like around is the solution to your problem."

"Alex would be honored to hear that."

• • •

Jack's new job was rather simple, as was his old one, but he truly hated the fast food industry. He never really cared for fast food anyway, it was always too greasy for his taste and left him feeling disgusting every time he ate it. But being around it every day and not eating any of it was hardly any different. Hayley had quickly become his most trusted co-worker, being the one to ask him if he was alright during one of the lunch breaks. It was chilly outside, but Jack stood out there to distance himself from the smell of fried food. 

He looked up at her from his feet and gave a small smile. "Yeah, I'm alright." She nodded and leaned against the building beside him, eyeing him and the way he fiddled with his the zipper on his jacket. "Why do you ask?"

Hayley gave a quiet chuckle. "Well, you never eat lunch. You always stand out here, where the smokers go, but you never smoke. I just can't figure you out." Jack laughed in return and shoved his hands in his pockets to stop himself from picking at anything else. He really needed to stop doing that. "You must have caught on to the fact that the food here really isn't that good, huh?"

"As one of the people who sometimes flips the burgers, I take offense to that." Hayley grinned. She truly liked being one of the few people Jack actually had conversations with. He gave the occasional greeting to the others such as Taylor, but he never spoke to them the way he did with her. She almost felt like he was some kind of hidden gem that no one else could understand. Hell, she could hardly understand him sometimes. "I just don't like spending any extra time in there, you know?" Jack admitted after a moment. "I feel trapped."

"Hm," Hayley hummed in agreement. "You know what, though?" Jack raised an eyebrow in question. "You have me here to make it just a bit more tolerable. You're very welcome, Barakat." With that, she gave a sly smile and skipped away, giggling to herself as she returned to the workplace in a rush. If she didn't know about Alex, Jack almost may have thought that she took a liking to him in more than a platonic sense.

He followed her inside and got back to his menial job that only earned him minimum wage. She was right, though, he had to give her credit for that. She was one of the only things that stopped him from pouring boiling oil onto his face in hopes of it killing him. Her and his common sense, of course. But Hayley had quickly proven herself to be not only a good acquaintance, but a good friend. In the short time Jack had known her, she was nothing but sweet and helpful.

The restaurant itself was sometimes very slow, but it was rather busy during certain hours. Jack worked regularly and made enough money to pay for what he needed, Alex usually giving him a ride home and wishing him a good night. Rian realized that maybe things were looking up for Jack in the way that Jack didn't seem to be drinking as much. He and Alex both believed that Jack was better, and Jack himself even believed it for a moment. It only took one small thing to set it back off and depress him again. He hated himself for getting sad about something that wasn't negative at all.

Alex had showed up to pick him up and smiled as Jack climbed into the passenger seat. "I have some good news!" he chirped, pulling the car away from the entrance of the building. "So, a couple days ago, Awsten got into contact with the head of Waterparks's record label and may have mentioned me to said label." Jack's eyed widened, a smile immediately brightening his tan face. "This weekend they're going to meet with me and discuss a signing!"

"That's amazing!" Jack replied, feeling an intense sense of pride for the man he cared so deeply about. Alex nodded, but then bit his lip, clearly having more to say. 

"But I have to fly out to California...to a recording studio." Jack's expression immediately dropped, something Alex quickly caught. Jack didn't know if he could handle being away from Alex now that Jack was so dependent on him. It was pathetic, he knew that, but Alex mad everything easier. Jack wasn't sure how to feel about this bittersweet event. "I'll be leaving Tuesday and won't get back until late Sunday night," Alex continued.

Jack gave a small, disappointed nod. "Ah, don't look like that, babe," Alex said through a frown, "you're gonna make me feel bad." Jack shrugged and turned away, cold shoulder-ing Alex like a teenager. "Ouch. I'll tell you what, if I get good news we'll do something special. You'll wanna take that day off, tell Trevor before he makes the schedule."

"What if it doesn't work out?" Jack questioned quietly. He wasn't happy to have Alex away, but if Alex was going the least that could happen was something good.

"Still take the day off, I'll need someone to cuddle with me and make me feel better about my failures." A small smile crept onto Jack's lips. He did like the sound of both of those things. He hoped it would be worth the suffering this weekend might have in store for him. "You can stay at my place while I'm gone, keep it warm for me. Under the one condition that you don't burn it down or cause a flood."

"Deal."

Alex was packed and ready to head out in no time. Jack laughed at the pink duffel bag that was different from the one Alex brought to the concert. Alex stuffed his clothes, chargers, and hygienic products inside and sat back with a sigh once he was ready. Awsten was coming to pick him up, then the two of them would meet Otto and Geoff at the airport where they would all fly out to sunny California. Jack was nervous, a million thoughts about the plane crashing or someone bombing it rushing through his mind. 

He grabbed Alex's hand and took a deep breath to calm himself, something they had discovered aided Jack when he was having anxiety attacks. Alex gave a small smile and rubbed his thumb along Jack's knuckles. "It's only a few days, worry wart. It'll be fine," he whispered. 

Jack nodded through another deep breath. The doorbell rang and the two men inside heard Awsten shouting something about arriving. He was rushing inside without bothering to wait for someone to open the door for him, sarcastically rolling his eyes once he saw Jack and Alex. "No blue balls on the plane. Get all your romantic shit handled before we take off," he teased.

Alex chuckled and gave Jack a tight hug. "I'll be home sooner than you think."


	17. Car Sick

It wasn't long before Jack began craving things he hadn't craved in the longest time. He was alone in Alex's bed, the sheets still wrinkled from where Alex had sat just mere minutes prior. Jack's heart had sank, but that he was used to -- it was the lust that took him by surprise. He laid on his back and stared at the ceiling fan spinning overhead, wondering what he could to occupy his restless mind. While he didn't come up with anything himself, it wasn't long before his phone buzzed with a notification from Hayley that he immediately answered. Not because he was suddenly in touch with the world around him -- he was just hoping it was Alex.

He wasn't entirely disappointed as he read the text from his coworker inviting him out for a walk. He thought it was strange considering both their shifts had just ended that night, but he figured there was nothing better for him to do. Besides, there was no alcohol in Alex's house, and Jack didn't have the desire to waste his money at that moment. So he slipped on a pair of old tennis shoes and sat in preparation for Hayley's arrival. Her presence was announced with a loud knock to the tune of some children's nursery rhyme that Jack had forgotten the name of on the front door, followed by ringing the doorbell. Jack rushed to the door and was surprised to be greeted by both Hayley and some man Jack had never met prior to this.

"Oh, forgot to mention," Hayley laughed, "my roommate's coming with us. Hope that's cool." Jack shrugged. "This is Zac." She gave her roommate a pat on the back and smiled. 

"Let's go before I change my mind," Jack replied, stepping forward and shutting the door behind himself.

The night air was cool and felt good on Jack's skin, the moon glowing on everyone and giving off the illusion of them all having the complexion of vampires. Hayley was chipper in her typical fashion, giggling and hopping on sidewalk curbs like a young child. Zac seemed nice enough, keeping quiet most of the time and standing between the other two. They all silently agreed to find a 24-hour fast food place and get drinks after a bit of mindless wandering. Jack was glad everything was in such close walking distance and that everyone had such a thorough knowledge of the area.

The restaurant was well lit with only a couple cars sprinkled in the parking lot and even fewer in the drive thru space. Hayley tugged the door open and breathed in the smell of fried foods and brewing diabetes with a frown. "Smells just like work," she mumbled, turning around to face her friends. "Whaddya guys want?"

Their drinks were ordered and served rather quickly, Zac tipping the cashier in appreciation for them being energetic so late at night. Hayley laughed at Jack for getting a combination of fresh fruit and ice while her and Zac sipped on milkshakes with whipped cream to top them off. Jack rolled his eyes and grumbled something about "taking care of his body" in his defense. Their drinks didn't last long as they paced the streets looking for somewhere to loiter at for a bit.

It was at that point that Zac dug a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and quickly set the end of one ablaze with a puff of smoke. He turned to Jack and held out the red and white pack filled with practical sticks of lung cancer and dental problems. "Smoke?" he questioned. It was the most Jack had heard him speak that entire night, and he would have felt bad turning him down. Well, that was a lie -- Jack had simply heard things about cigarettes and stress relief, and it was oddly appetizing. Without much of a second thought, Jack accepted the offer and retrieved a single cigarette from the pack. Zac handed him the lighter that Jack promptly used to light his first cigarette.

Hayley watched like a hawk as the entire thing occurred, wanting to scream at Jack for making such an idiotic decision. Instead, she bit her tongue and saw the way Jack refused to cough and choke on the smoke that was obviously burning at his virgin throat. She didn't last long before finally bursting out with the beginning of an interrogation. "You smoke now?"

Jack turned to her and frowned. "Kind of," he replied between puffs. "I'm responsible," a total lie, "I'll be fine." Hayley shook her head with a sigh.

"Alex is going to hate you."

For some unknown reason, Jack didn't care. He shrugged and took another hit, drying his throat and layering himself in the smell of smoke. Zac could tell Jack wasn't used to smoking by the way the smoke made him blink rapidly and how he was hardly breathing anything in. He also knew Hayley wanted him to stop Jack, something he realized as soon as he offered. Hayley was staring daggers into Zac, wondering how he could have possibly forgotten the few things she told Zac not to do. He brushed it off; she was only his roommate, not his mother.

The ache in his stomach influenced Jack to toss his unfinished fruit drink into the nearest garbage can. He figured it was the sugar making him sick, not knowing the lesser known effects of first-time smoking. Before long he turned to Hayley and told her he was about ready to head back to Alex's house and pass out. They began the journey back, walking across sidewalks and under street lamps with an oddly calming yellow-y tint to their light. Jack was relieved to be back in the shelter of Alex's home, saying his goodbyes before throwing himself onto the bed and snuggling up with Alex's pillow. He snagged his phone from his pocket and checked his missed calls, all from his boyfriend.

He tried calling Alex back, panicking. What if Alex was in danger and Jack wasn't there to help and now Alex is hurt? What if there was an emergency? What if--

"Hello?" Alex picked up on the fourth ring with a yawn. "Jack?" Jack let out a sigh of relief and held the phone close. "Why didn't you answer earlier?" Alex questioned, already assuming the worst. He was relieved to hear that Jack wasn't up to anything harmful, not knowing about the cigarette information Jack was holding from him.

"How has your first day out west been?" Jack turned to lay on his back and stare at the ceiling as Alex filled him in on how life in California was for the time being. More or less, Alex was doing a bit of touring his first day, then heading with Awsten to speak with the record company on the following one. "I'm glad you're having a good time," Jack said dreamily, unable to keep the smile off his face. He was so inexplicably happy to be speaking with the person he had been missing all day.

"I hope you're not too bored without me there," Alex replied with a grin. "I also hope work's not stressing you out too much." Jack shrugged despite the fact that Alex couldn't see him doing so. "I should probably get some sleep, Jack. I'll try to call tomorrow." With mutual smiles, the two exchanged "good night"s and the call was disconnected.

• • •

The next morning came with a muggy feel to it, clouds overshadowing the sun and making the sky appear dark. Jack's stomach felt as though he had been gutted throughout, and he spit up a few times but never managed to actually force out any vomit. He flushed whatever bits did slip out down the toilet and carried on with his day, sifting through Alex's fridge and snagging himself a cup of fruit juice. The house felt bleak, like there was some kind of light missing whenever Alex wasn't present. Jack felt around in his jeans that he had forgotten to change out of and fished out his wallet, counting out a couple dollars and shoving whatever was left back inside. He dug around in a small glass figure of an angel Alex kept on the dining table, eventually finding the house keys and heading out.

The gas station he had in mind was rather close, something he was thankful for due to the feeling in his gut. He approached the counter and cleared his throat to get the cashier's attention, a short Hispanic man with a well-groomed mustache. "What's your cheapest pack of cigarettes?" Jack questioned, swallowing down the feeling of guilt as the man pulled a pack out from overhead the counter. It had a similar design to the pack Zac was sporting, but with a different color scheme. While the man was busy working the register, Jack slipped one of the cheap lighters into his pocket and smiled as the man handed him his change and smokes.

He wasn't one to theive like that, but he needed a lighter and was low on cash. He lit up his cigarette and once again refused to choke and cough on it, instead swallowing down the smoke and feeling it heat up his throat. Hayley was right, Alex was going to hate him, yet Jack couldn't find the motivation to care. As he choked the cigarette down, he had calmed himself and felt rather sedated. He shoved everything in his pockets and began walking back to the house, breathing out puffs of cancerous smoke along the way and pretending everything was better this way. His urge to drink was slowly dying down as he distracted himself and he was beyond thankful.

He decided to get out instead of sitting around as per usual, finding his phone lost in the bed sheets and calling Zack. it was the weekend, meaning Zack likely wasn't training anyone today. His theory was proven true when Zack quickly picked up, and the two began making plans to go out and do something in just a few minutes. Zack was more than elated to have Jack back in contact and trying to make plans again, just like when they were younger. He couldn't keep the grin off his face as he pulled on his shoes and locked up his apartment, quickly hopping in his truck and finding his way to the address Jack had provided. He didn't bother asking why Jack wasn't home, instead just going with it and being thankful for the fact that he could see Jack at all.

Jack readied himself as Zack headed his way, cleaning himself up a bit and changing his clothes. He met Zack outside with a grin, hopping in the passenger seat in a more giddy fashion than he had done anything in the past year. The radio was blaring with some classic rock song Jack had forgotten the name of as Zack navigated to a place where they could have a decently priced breakfast, his treat considering he made a bit more money than Jack and had the deepest desire to care for the friend he saw as more of a brother. It reminded Jack of high shcool, and the one time Jack stole his parents car to pick Zack up and go sneak into midnight screening of an indie movie that had been forgotten by most everyone who saw it.

Surely, they both could have made better decisions within their youth, but Jack hardly regretted any of it. Within his friend group, he always had been the one that most likely to not succeed and end up living in a gutter somewhere. They always joked about it, yet it ended up nearly killing them when it started to come true. And still, neither Zack nor Josh knew why it happened. It was as if one minute they were all hanging out together and having a good time, and then the next minute Jack was binge drinking and on the verge of suicide. It was unexplainable, and Jack really wished he had a reason, but the fact was that he just didn't have one. Zack and Josh weren't the only ones to not understand what the issue was, even Jack himself was in the dark. 

The diner was pleasant enough, the chatter not being overwhelming and the food being good enough for the two friends. Unexpectedly, Zack spoke up and asked something Jack had never expected to hear from him. "So, what happened to you, man?" Jack glanced up at him, puzzled by the question, and also the timing. It wasn't as if they were really saying much, then Zack just blurted that with no apparent reason. Jack could see the concern etched into his friend's face, and it brought him a pang of guilt.

"Honestly, I don't know." He was being honest, but Zack didn't seem to believe so, leaning forward and acting as if he was pressing Jack for something more. "It was like having a sugar crash, but it was my entire fucking life," he added quietly. 

"I just want to know if something happened. You weren't-- you know," Zack made a weird motion with his hands, and it was obvious that Jack did not know what he was suggesting with his confused expression. With a sigh, Zack continued in a whisper. "You weren't doing drugs or anything? You weren't, like, raped or--"

"Oh, God, no!" Jack cut in quickly, shushing his friend. "I don't know how to explain it, okay? Nothing happened." Zack nodded, but he wasn't convinced. Even someone like him knew that a person doesn't just crash like that without any reason. Jack had become a completely different person when it all first occurred, and Zack was determined to find out why.


	18. Wolves (You Got Me)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhh this chapter has (kinda soft) smut so if you don't like that kind of thing just skip to the second half. I've never written smut before so...bear with me yall

Jack heard the door open and close, but he was exhausted, not having the energy to care if someone had broken in and was prepared to take his life. Instead, he felt a warm body slide up next to his, sidling under the covers and gently rubbing a hand over Jack's chest. Jack mumbled, reaching up for the hand and feeling the calluses on its fingers. He knew it was Alex. He then felt Alex's lips form against his, and the two were left kissing as Alex continued to gently massage his lover's chest.

Alex then climbed atop the younger boy, straddling his hips and running his fingers through Jack's hair. Jack could feel Alex's belt and jeans resting on his own legs, wondering why Alex would attempt to sleep in such attire. It wasn't long before he realized what exactly was occurring, and he mindlessly reached up to stop Alex's hands from searching any farther. "What?" Alex questioned in a whisper, immediately faltering.

"Are you sure this is okay?" Jack replied with his own question. He could vaguely see Alex nod before their lips locked again. He could feel the fabric of his boxers being tugged down slightly, and he wasn't exactly sure how to think about all that was happening. Alex pulled back and looked in Jack's dark eyes, searching for some hint of pleasure-- just some way to know that he was doing things correctly. Again, Jack wasn't sure what was even going on, the both of them not entirely positive of what they were doing.

It had been so long since Jack had actually taken time with someone and felt physically close with them, normally it was mindless. He couldn't remember how to treat Alex with care instead of anger. He tried his best, reaching around for Alex's belt and beginning to undo it. He pulled it off, tossing it to the side and then conquering the button and zipper on Alex's jeans. His hands were shaking, and he prayed Alex didn't notice how terrified he was of making a mistake.

Jack hadn't even become readjusted to the feeling of sexual pleasure, it had been shut off for him for the longest time. It came back fiercely, the second Alex touched his bare skin he was lost in it. He kissed Alex deeply, managing to still use his hands to tug Alex's jeans down to his knees. He refused to do anything more without reassurance from Alex, who was so lost in the moment that he couldn't keep himself from feeling Jack all over. Their bodies were pressed close, even when their lips weren't locked their breath could still be felt by the other. They were both nervous to make the first move towards actually making love, and that left Jack feeling inadequate, like he wasn't going to be able to do anything right.

He sucked it up once Alex acted on what they were mutually feeling, reaching below himself and just barely feeling at Jack's dick. He looked up for reassurance, Jack throwing his head back and digging his nails into Alex's sides. Alex grinned, continuing to slowly massage the area as Jack let out a sigh of pleasure, feeling his heart pounding harder with each little touch of Alex's hand. "Fuck," he groaned eventually, Alex leaning forward to connect their lips and keep them both quiet. Jack was less responsive to the kiss, far too focused on whatever Alex was doing to him.

Jack wasn't sure what to do from there, taking hold of Alex's immobile hand and holding it in his own, linking their fingers together. Jack felt a rush of pleasure every time he squeezed Alex's hand, leading Alex to believe he was doing something right. He wasn't confident enough to admit that he had never done anything like this before. The closest he had ever gotten to sex with anyone was back in high school, something he had nearly forgotten about at this point. It was strange, the way he and his friend felt each other up, hoping to get some resemblance of pleasure despite not having any knowledge on what they were doing. It didn't work, apparently, since Alex never felt the release of an orgasm, or anything even relatively close to one. Being intoxicated likely didn't help.

But this was very different from that experience. He felt something, a massive step up from his first encounter with sex. He slowed his repetitive action for a moment, drawing out his strokes from base to tip and holding Jack's hand tightly. Jack took this opportunity to reach to the side and dig through the nightstand without being to see where his hand was even searching. With a chuckle, he stopped Alex to ask a question. "Do you have any lube?" Alex paused and shook his head, leaving Jack with a confused expression. "I'm not gonna raw you, dude. That's fucking nasty."

Alex laughed and returned to his previous action, feeling an obvious change in Jack's body language. "Not tonight, babe," he said quietly before leaning back down and pressing his lips to Jack's. He then sped up, tugging harder and feeling Jack moan through the kiss. Jack was holding tightly onto Alex's hip with one hand as he felt a pressure building up just below his stomach. He mindlessly dug his nails back into Alex when he reached his climax, cursing under his breath and throwing his head back. Alex was grinning, more than relieved to have provided for Jack, as he fell off top of his boyfriend and instead laid just beside him.

Jack was panting slightly, something Alex saw from the rapid rising and falling of his chest, his eyes fluttering and his head dug far into the pillow behind him. "Fuck," Jack said after a moment, covering his face with both hands and letting out a small laugh. He turned his head to Alex who was still smiling, something that was almost disturbing for some odd reason. "Fuck," Jack repeated quietly, reaching out a hand under the covers to grab onto Alex's once more. 

"You good?" whispered Alex, gently running his thumb over Jack's knuckles and enjoying the texture of his skin and the slight bits of it that were more raised than others from his veins. Jack nodded, releasing a content sigh. He then threw the sheets off of the two of them and crawled down to the foot of the bed, patting the edge as a way of inviting Alex to slide down with him. Alex curiously obliged, dangling his legs over the edge of the bed and watching closely as Jack stood and lined himself up to be facing Alex. Jack took hold of Alex's jeans and pulled them the remainder of the way off, creeping up slightly to connect their lips in a sloppy kiss.

"Wait--" Alex started once Jack began getting his hand awfully close to his boxers; "I- I've never done this before." He felt like a dunce, his cheeks redenning as he suddenly hoped Jack didn't hear him. Jack looked up at Alex from his knees and gave a small smile.

"Just relax, Lex. I know what I'm doing." 

That was when he removed Alex's boxers, tossing them somewhere on the bed before massaging the area around Alex's thighs and hips. Alex's breath hitched the closer Jack got to his cock, and he couldn't stop his heart rate from racing a mile a minute. He was terrified of being this close to someone, and suddenly regretted ever saying that this was alright. His fears melted away as he felt the heat of Jack's mouth around his tip. He didn't anticipate how gentle Jack was, treating every little motion with care to make Alex feel as comfortable as humanely possible. Alex hummed and tilted his head back, regrets and fears completely washing away.

Jack wouldn't let Alex release in his mouth, meaning Alex had a bit of cleaning to do once he was more settled in; the sheets and their clothes needed to be washed, and likely they needed to bathe. It was then that Alex was certain: he was glad to be back home.

• • • 

It was afternoon by the time they woke back up, laying on the bare mattress and in their underwear. Jack turned to Alex and smiled, then licking his own lips and all around in his mouth. "I'm guessing you were signed then, huh?" he whispered. Alex laughed and nodded, his head rubbing against the pillow and further messing up his hair. Jack brought Alex's hand to his lips and gave it a small kiss as a congratulation. This meant Alex could pursue music as a full time career, which was especially good since he no longer worked at the steakhouse. However, if he did end up making it big, that would also mean touring and leaving home for long periods at a time. Jack sighed thinking about it, suddenly craving a cigarette to help him calm his nerves.

"I'm gonna...take a shower," he lied, breaking away from Alex and digging around in the backpack he had brought with him for his clothes, lighter, and hidden pack of cigarettes that he kept tucked between his jeans and shirt. Alex watched him wander off to the bathroom, sitting back and closing his eyes again. Once he heard the faucet running, he couldn't help but laugh to himself and cover his face with both hands, smiling uncontrollably and continuing to giggle. He was so high on love he didn't know what was happening any more; Jack had him so fucked up and brainwashed with the way that he had never felt so in love with anyone ever before. He didn't know what to do with himself.

An idea for a possible song popped into his mind, and he quickly ran out to the living room to fetch a pencil and paper. He shuffled through a drawer in the living room that was beneath the television, quickly scribbling out his thoughts onto the paper before rushing back to his bedroom to work on a melody. If it worked out the way he had been hoping, it could be his first single under a label, the thing that could put him on the map and get him recognized.

From the bathroom, Jack took a deep breath of fresh air from the window he had opened before leaning on the sill and blowing the smoke from his cigarette outside of it. He knew he was going behind Alex's back with this, and it pained him to know that Alex was likely still laying in bed and enjoying the aftermath of something he had never experienced before. Jack frowned and took another drag, watching as people walked down the streets outside, carrying on with their lives and paying no attention to him. But even as he watched strangers in the distance, he couldn't keep his mind off Alex, which left him smiling to himself like an idiot. Then he realized the strangest thing: there was a chance he was in love.

Of course, this terrified him. He had never been the type to settle down with anyone and live a domestic life, especially not after this nearly year-long depressive episode. "Fuck," he aggressively whispered to himself, quickly putting out the butt of the cigarette and stuffing it back into the pack. What was he doing? What was he thinking? He took what was possibly the quickest shower before leaving the bathroom and making up an excuse to leave Alex's house, requesting a ride to his apartment. He needed to be alone for just a bit to think about all this, and he couldn't do that with his boyfriend around. Once he was home (after saying goodbye to Alex, of course) he shot up to his room and locked the door, taking a few deep breaths. 

He couldn't be feeling this way. Not him. He was a terrible person and Alex didn't deserve whatever Jack would surely put him through. He felt his eyes welling up with tears as he reached for his pillow and screamed into it, hopefully masking the sound of his frustration with what he was thinking. It was one thing to hang out with Alex and kiss him and watch the television or whatever else they decided to waste their time doing; but it was another to be in love. Jack couldn't handle commitment well, especially not after all the one night flings he had put himself through in the past.

The remainder of the day was sure to be rough for him, leaving him feeling more lost than ever. He couldn't be in love.


	19. For You

"I don't know what to do." Jack was pacing, one hand on his forehead and the other loosely holding an unsmoked cigarette. Hayley was watching him, her eyes going back and forth like a pendulum. He finally stopped to light the cigarette, cupping his hand around the flame to keep the wind from blowing it out, then continuing on with his monotonous walking. He took a drag and continued pushing his hair back and away from his forehead. Hayley sipped her soda in silence as he grunted. "This isn't right, man," he said after a moment; "I have to be losing my mind.

"What makes you say that?" Hayley broke her silence, resting her elbow on her knee and her chin on her palm in one fluid motion. "You spend all your time with him, it only makes sense." Jack shook his head, taking a break to squeeze the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. "Does it even matter, Jack?"

"Yes!" he shouted, turning to look Hayley in the eyes. "Do you not understand? There is no way in hell I can love Alex." Hayley sighed, rolling her eyes before taking another long sip of her carbonated drink. "I'm a shit person, and Alex belongs with someone less like me," Jack continued after another pause. Hayley gaped at him.

"Where the hell did that come from?" The two stared at each, both clearly annoyed with the other. Jack then remembered that Hayley hadn't known him all that long, meaning she wasn't aware of what he used to be.

"Nowhere. Forget it." He sat down next to her on the curb, elbows on his knees and his back hunched. He was vigorously gnawing at his bottom lip, tugging off the dried, white skin with his teeth before hitting his cigarette again. Hayley saw blood on the white end where his lips had been, visibly cringing at the sight of the crimson liquid. She cleared her throat before speaking.

"We should do something, ya know. Get your mind off of everything." Jack turned to her and she smiled in reply. "Like, go to the zoo. Or toilet paper someone's house. I don't know. Just...something." She was off in her mind now, thinking up things for the two of them to do without Alex. It would give Jack to ponder other things and forget his current troubles. Hayley was sure he needed it at this point.

"Aren't we a little old for that?" Jack questioned after a moment. Hayley sighed, giving him a slight shove in the shoulder and shaking her head.

"Stop doing that, dammit. No more excuses," she replied, standing up and then grabbing his hands to take him with her. Jack nearly dropped his cigarette, which he then cursed her for before placing it between his lips once more and blowing the cancerous smoke directly into her face. "Yeah, who's mature now, asshole?" He chuckled and scraped the lit end across the sidewalk until it was out, then placing what was left of the butt back into the nearly empty pack. "You should come stay at my place tonight. Zac's outta town, and it's better than having you back at your place getting shitfaced."

Jack would have been hurt if it wasn't the blatant truth. He still hadn't given up his worst habit, and most everyone he associated with was aware of it. Josh bugged him about getting help, something that Jack swore he had done before, and Zack just didn't know what to do about it. "Yeah. Why?" Jack questioned, stepping to the side and holding the back door open for Hayley. She thanked him and promptly walked inside, turning around to face him as he followed.

"I dunno. Let's watch a movie or something. We can order pizza!" Her face was bright with a smile just thinking about it. "The only condition is that we will both be one-hundred percent sober, no exceptions," she stated firmly. Jack nodded with a frown, but Hayley was glad he wasn't bothering to argue or make excuses this time around.

And so they had it planned out. Their shifts ended around the same time (Hayley in the kitchen and Jack at the cash register), and straight from work they would rent a movie from one of those machines that always seem to be outside of pharmacies and grocery stores, then head to Hayley's place where she would order pizza and get everything set up. Jack was able to forget about his troubles for a bit, and it was nice for him to simply sit back and relax with a friend. It came naturally to him again and didn't feel so forced and boring-- he was genuinely enjoying himself and it was obvious.

Then there came the obvious ending to the comedy where someone ended up with someone and everyone was in love. Hayley booed and threw bits of kernels from the popcorn she popped about halfway through at the television, saying something about how romance was dead and war was the only savior. Jack laughed and shouted along with her, but the entire time his mind was locked on Alex. Where was he right now? What was he doing? Jack urged himself to stop thinking about that for a bit, and it worked for just a few minutes.

Hayley fished out a half gallon of strawberry ice cream and dished some out for the two of them. It was a night of unhealthy consumption and life without thinking about the cruelties of being alive. By the end of his scoop, Jack was itching for a cigarette as Hayley was quickly falling asleep with her head rested on his shoulder. He tapped her side with a finger, attempting to calmly wake her up, her eyes fluttering open and her mouth immediately forming into a grin. "Don't let me fall asleep again," she whispered. Jack laughed and nudged her off.

"I need a smoke," he informed her, standing up and brushing a clump of crumbs from his lap. Hayley watched as he walked outside, quietly shutting the door behind himself and digging his pack from his pocket. His phone came out with it, slamming onto the ground with a thud. Jack cursed under his breath and picked it up, checking the screen for cracks and seeing a missed call from Alex. He assured Hayley he wouldn't worry about his boyfriend for the night, yet he was suddenly sucked back into his obsessive thoughts. He decided to simply reply to the missed call with a text saying that he couldn't talk at the moment, then returning his phone to his pocket and lighting up his cancer stick.

Hayley came outside and joined him shortly thereafter, sitting beside him on the small bench she and Zac had sat next to the front door. They were silent, taking in the late night air mixed with the faint smell of a long done barbecue. The cicadas and crickets were out performing their orchestra of sounds to keep the night lively under the few stars that were visible from the bench. "This is why I'm alive, ya know," Hayley said after a moment. Jack was confused, turning to look at his friend in the dim light offered by the lamp overhead and humming in question.

"Nights like this-- they're worth living for." Jack's gaze faltered to his knees, and he watched as Hayley reached over and held his hand. Her hand was small and warm, fingernails long and painted a bright yellow. Jack didn't mind, instead letting her hand rest atop his and leaving him to smile like an idiot. "You may not think it, but you're one of the best people I've ever met," she continued quietly. She gave him a small smile before he turned away once again. "You'll get through this."

It was odd, the entire situation. Jack never really spoke to her about how he felt or the issues he faced, yet she seemed to be the only one that even somewhat understood him. It was...nice. "Thank you," he replied in a hushed tone after a moment. Hayley pulled him in to hug his side tightly, wrapping one arm around his chest and the other around his back. He laughed as she squeezed him between her thin arms and nearly suffocated him like a snake.

They sat out there simply staring at nothing for a good hour or so, finally retreating back inside when their eyes began to close themselves and they were nearly nodding off. Hayley let Jack take her bed since it was more clean and would feel less awkward for him, herself slipping into Zac's room and curling up under the comforter. Jack liked her room. There were fairy lights lining the walls, reds and whites glowing faintly in the otherwise pitch black room. She had a small lava lamp beside an old fashioned alarm clock, something Jack truly loved. She was so special to him, even if they hadn't known each other for very long. It wasn't long before he felt his phone go off in his pocket, then remembering to pull it out and nearly having the light from the screen blind him as he checked his notifications.

"We need to talk".

Jack gulped and threw his phone to the bedside table. He wasn't planning on reply, firstly because of how late it was and how tired he was; secondly because it terrified him too much. Nothing that ever started with those four words ended well, and seeing it from Alex was almost enough to send him into cardiac arrest. He took a deep breath and prayed for pleasant dreams, scared of what horrors his mind may provide after reading the text.

• • •

Jack was lucky to wake up fine without any recolition of what he imagined while sleeping. He nearly had a heart attack when he saw Hayley's wide eyes and smiling face directly above his. "Good morning!" she shouted, climbing off the bed and throwing the covers off Jack. She laughed at his pale, bare legs and then tossed his jeans from the day before over his chest before tearing open the blinds and letting light into the room.

"'Morning," Jack mumbled, rubbing at his eyes and slipping his jeans on without even bothering to stand. He sat up and saw Hayley in her night clothes -- an oversized t-shirt and boxers with bacon and pancakes on them. He would have joked with her about it but he knew how damn comfortable some underwear brands were, so he didn't. He could taste food from last night and cigarettes on his breath, suddenly wishing he brought a toothbrush with him. "Do you have some kind of mouthwash?"

Hayley nodded. "Medicine cabinet in the bathroom," she replied, sitting on the edge of the bed as Jack stood up. He was lightheaded for a second, likely from not drinking nearly enough water or alcohol. He was already suffering withdrawal and wishing for something-- he would even settle for a shot at that point. As he walked off to the bathroom, he saw Hayley stripping the bed down and beginning to remake it, and he then closed the door behind him.

Of course he had to piss first, remembering his manners and flushing when he was finished, then moving to the sink to wash his hands and swish something around in his mouth to kick the morning breath flavor off his tongue. He opened the medicine cabinet as instructed and saw a few things before the tiny bottle of neon blue mouth rinse on the top shelf. Below it were a few prescriptions, and one would think by now how would have the knowledge to keep himself away from other people's medicine. Yet, he began shuffling through them, turning each bottle to read what was inside, eyes lighting up on the painkillers.

He planned on just stuffing a few in his pocket, taking them when he got home so he could sleep in his own bed without terrors. Besides, his head was killing him and his feet were sore from work. He deserved this. He shook a few out onto the palm of his hand and ripped off a few squares of toliet paper, wrapping them inside and shoving the clump into his front pocket. He didn't even stop to think about what he was doing, he was acting like a robot, finding a simple way to get high without spending a dime. He then finally cleaned his mouth, but it ironically didn't help much.

He walked back to Hayley's room where she was now dressed and holding her keys. "Ready to go?" she asked, twirling them back and forth around her hand. Jack nodded and found his glasses that he was lucky to wear. He occasionally got lazy and wore them instead of putting his contacts in, but it was likely better he do that than forget his contacts in and feeling like ripping his eyes out in the morning.

"Yeah," he replied; "can you, uh...take me to Alex's?"

They were off shortly thereafter, Hayley giving Jack another tight hug after he climbed out of her car and walked over to where she was sitting. He then trudged down the short driveway and knocked on Alex's front door, nervous about what faced him on the other side. He was still thinking about that message and what it could mean, even as Alex opened the door and flashed him with a grin. "Jack!" he stated happily before pulling his boyfriend into an embrace. It was strange considering Jack had been thinking of only the worst possible scenarios. Yet, there Alex was, kissing him and feeling under his shirt.

Alex then pulled away, grinning once again before licking his lips. "I t-thought you said we needed to talk," Jack said sheepishly.

"It's not what you're thinking," Alex replied happily. "Come in."


	20. Concrete

"So, I actually have great news, I just needed to inform you in person," Alex continued, chuckling to himself. He swung the door shut and raced in front of Jack only to turn around and have the two face each other. "I went to Cali a while ago, you remember." Jack nodded, Alex's cue to continue. "I've been offered the chance to go on tour-- like, an actual tour, not just driving to Baltimore and playing with Parx. My own round trip around the country, with a touring band! I-"

"I didn't even know you had music out," Jack stated stupidly with a confused expression. "I thought I would be the first to hear if anything had been released." Alex's cheeks reddened in shame as he realized his mistake. He forgot he'd made that promise to Jack long ago. 

"Well, not quite," he replied sheepishly. Jack's arms instinctively crossed over his chest to display his displeasure with this. It wasn't a huge deal, but he had been more excited for Alex than he had initially noticed. He was totally engulfed in everything revolving around Alex, it was all he could think about. He had been waiting patiently for something, even just the vocals for a chorus with nothing else to them, yet that had never come. Now Alex was trying to enter the life of a rock star? Alex cleared his throat and continued speaking after a moment. "Everything has to be run by the record company first, before I can even listen to the finished product most of the time."

"That sounds healthy," Jack grumbled. "Not abusive at all. Totally okay."

Alex paused for a second to take a good look at his boyfriend. "I thought you'd be happier about it than you're letting on," he said sadly. Jack sighed and turned away. Alex knew Jack was acting like a brat, but Jack himself didn't catch on. This was something new, a more rude, selfish side of Jack that Alex hadn't been exposed to prior to this. "Look, I'm sorry you didn't get to hear everything first. We can listen to what I have right now," Alex reasoned, fishing his phone from his pocket and slipping it into Jack's hand. Jack looked up to him with his eyebrows furrowed and grip tight.

"Yeah, alright."

Alex led them to the couch, sitting Jack down beside him and entering his password into the phone, allowing Jack total access to the device. "In my files," Alex instructed, grabbing Jack's finger between two of his and navigating to the correct folder. Jack almost felt like shoving him off, but the gesture was sweet and thus he couldn't bring himself to do it. He was quick to catch on that a lot of the music Alex produced was...personal, and dealt with Jack himself. Not love songs exactly, but there were a few out of the EP that left Jack with some new respect for Alex. He then pulled the younger boy into a tight hug, nearly dropping the phone on the floor in the embrace.

"I love it all," he whispered into the back of Alex's hair. He could practically hear Alex smile from behind him before the two kissed, nearly clashing their teeth together. Once they were apart, Jack was smiling once again, clearly in a better mood already. He thanked Alex, unsure of what to do with himself after that. He needed a cigarette, but he still refused to let Alex know about his new destructive habit. He then remembered the medicine in his pocket and couldn't stop himself from audibly sighing. 

He was lucky Alex assumed it was out of relief when it was instead quite the opposite. Jack's gaze faltered to his lap, where his hands were now folded and his thumbs were twiddling. Alex's hand wrapped around one of his, their eyes meeting once again. After a deep sigh, Alex spoke again. "Are you spending the night?" he was quiet, taking in how calm the atmosphere was. Jack wondered if that was a good idea, contemplating the pros and cons of each option. A small smile from Alex sealed the deal, Jack nodding in response. The older man then lent in for another kiss, taking Jack by surprise, his eyes still open until he realized what was happening.

Alex had pushed him down slightly, leaving Jack on his back with Alex sat on his waist. The obvious feeling wasn't entirely mutual, Jack squirming slightly until their eyes were connected and Alex got the message. He assumed he had done something wrong again, immediately standing and apologizing, his face redenning as he stepped back. "No, it's not--" Jack paused, realizing it wasn't worth arguing over; "not your fault." Alex raised an eyebrow in question as Jack set himself up with a sigh. "I'm just tired. I should...sleep."

Alex nodded, then rushing to the bedroom and beginning to clean up a bit. He had been slacking, laundry piling up outside of its reserved basket and other miscellaneous mistakes catching his eye. He set pillows up to prepare for Jack's slumber, pulling the sheets back. He wasn't quite tired, but was willing to sit outside in the living room and let his boyfriend sleep until he himself was ready for bed. He quickly changed into night clothes, Jack walking in on a half naked Alex in his boxers, something that would have been comical if Jack was in a better mood. Alex smiled and laughed enough for the both of them, then letting Jack slide past under the covers.

He wished Jack a good night quietly, then walking out and closing the door behind himself. Jack was able to walk to the bathroom without raising suspicion, popping a few of the pills tucked in his pocket before walking back and passing out within an hour.

• • • 

Jack rose with an impending headache, and he was alone. The covers were a bit ruffled where he assumed Alex had slept. He wandered out of the room only to find that the house was empty of his boyfriend, and Jack was left by himself. He didnt mind, he was a tad cranky anyway, but he already missed Alex. He was a bit obsessive, one of the reasons he was so bad at relationships, and any second away from his love felt like an eternity. With a sigh, he fetched himself a light breakfast before calling Hayley and asking if she was available to drive him home.

He was home in minutes, Rian greeting him quietly at the door before stepping back and wandering off. It was odd, but didn't seem to bother Jack. He may have finally found it in himself to stop hating his roommate as much as before. He rushed upstairs to change his clothes and throw himself onto the bed. He fished his phone from his pocket and immediately saw his wallpaper had been changed to an image of a smiling Alex. He couldn't stop himself from grinning, rolling his eyes with a chuckle and opening the gallery to see more pictures of Alex.

They all had text placed over them, messages that had Jack blushing and laughing to himself under his breath. It was a sweet gesture, until Jack stumbled across something else. Alex had taken his phone into the bathroom with him and taken pictures in the mirror, with his shirt, pants, and...everything off. It wasn't something Jack had been expecting. The image was blank of text and didn't even have Alex's face in the mirror, just his bare body with everything else exposed. Jack was surprised, immediately shutting off the screen and throwing the phone down beside him. Everything was confusing, he needed a drink.

Rian was downstairs with Cassadee, the two chatting and laughing, a bit surprised to see Jack with his clothes matching and hair somewhat brushed. They weren't surprised, however, to see him digging through the freezer for alcohol and signing in discontent at his fruitless effort. "We had liquor," he stated, turning around to Rian.

"You drank it."

"Fuck," he mumbled, throwing the door shut and then investigating the fridge. Still nothing. He didn't have anything to settle for but a cigarette, which wasn't nearly the same in any way, but he enjoyed the buzz and thus it was his best bet for the time being. He dug one out of his pocket and propped it between his lips, Rian watching as a disapproving gesture. "What?" Jack snapped quietly, moving the cigarette from his lips back to his fingertips; "I'm an adult, don't look at me like that." Rian gnawed at his lip.

"You just...shouldn't be smoking. It doesn't help." Cassadee was quiet at his side, their hands locked and eyes set on the clearly annoyed roommate. Jack resisted the urge to roll his eyes, but still let out a sarcastic remark to leave them with.

"Yeah, I never would have guessed."

Jack then brushed past them and stomped outside, the door slamming behind him and startling Cassadee enough to make her jump slightly. They weren't sure what to do with him anymore, but Rian had been contemplating throwing him out and finding someone new more than he ever had before. It was odd, like Jack was nearly shaping up but then always seeming to be the same old person Rian had come to despise. But Jack had been spending time outside of the house for a while now, and Rian thought that perhaps it was a good sign, a reason for him to finally find someone new to split rent and bills with. Yet, he couldn't. Not until he snapped.

Outside, Jack was lightheaded and finally contempt, sitting on the edge of the driveway and wondering how far he could stick out his feet before someone ran over his toes. There were still other people around and living their lives, no one paying him any mind. Life goes on, it always has and it always will, it was something he had come to accept long ago. Those people-- they could die tomorrow, but for him it wouldn't mean a thing. Another drag passed and he hadn't moved, still deep in his thoughts. Why was Alex wasting any time on him?

He shivered slightly, thinking of how different his own life would be if Alex was gone. He was relying too heavily on the man, and he damn sure had known it for a while now. He had never felt so intertwined with someone before, and it was the strangest feeling. Another drag. He had known Zack and Josh for the longest time, yet he had attached himself to Alex like a leech. He had no idea what he was going to do if things changed, but without Alex he had no purpose and thus he could simply...leave. He knew Hayley would slap him if she heard any of his thoughts, and thus he shook it off despite the fact that she wasn't around to see him like this.

He never understood what it meant to be suicidal, but at the moment it finally resonated with him. It wasn't that he was so far gone as attempting to kill himself, but he was relying so heavily on others that he just felt useless. A single tear hit the pavement of the road and left it darkened from the moisture, Jack barely even registering what was happening with him. He wiped at his eyes and nearly burned himself, yet he didn't mind. "Fuck this," he mumbled to himself, standing too fast and nearly stumbling out into the road. He sighed and faced the apartment.

He needed a drink.


	21. Notice

I don't feel comfortable writing fan fiction anymore. I'm getting older and finding that fantasizing over these people, even in completely fictional manners, is beginning to weird me out and is no longer enjoyable. 

to anyone that genuinely enjoyed my writing: I might return one day with similar stories that have unique characters, not real people.

this just hit me on a whim and I've decided it's time to retire this account and stop writing about these people I've looked up to for so many years. I literally met Jack and Alex last night and all I can think about now is what they would think if they saw me writing these things about them. it's honestly not really for me anymore.

I still enjoy the pairing! I am in no way harassing them with my writing or anything, but I personally am not comfortable with it. which is actually a pretty common theme with people who write fan fiction, I think. no disrespect to anyone who writes fan fiction or enjoys reading it! most of you that I've met in this community are wonderful people.

thank you all for understanding <3.


End file.
